Wow, it’s really great to see you all here. To be honest, I didn’t think most of you would make the trip. I mean, why even bother with this? It’s not like anybody enjoys marchin’ in alphabetical order, except maybe North Koreans. You’re really here to give your parents a return on a lifetime of blood, sweat and tears that’s slightly more impressive than showin’ ‘em, a degree that is increasingly prevalent in the workforce and therefore worth less than ever. So let’s all take a moment to say “thank you” to the parents, without whom you wouldn’t be alive, let alone college graduates. One! Two! “Thank you, mom and dad!”
All right! Let’s get to my awesome advice for you.
The world is a pretty scary place right now. Unless you made the unlikely decision to spend the last four years in the relentless pursuit of truth and beauty, you know the world is in the middle of a massive economic crisis. As a result, a lot of you are gonna have a hard time finding jobs. With so many across the globe jobless and desperate, movements from the Tea Party to the Taliban are going to gain alotta traction by scapegoatin’ people for their ills and persecutin’ ‘em. You’ll have to deal with the fallout from that, too. To top it all off, reckless overconsumption has left our world with scarcities of natural resources as diverse as oil, lumber and fish. I didn’t even know you could run outta fish. Have you ever seen the ocean? Thing’s HUGE! But just the other day I was readin’ this article and apparently the UN says we’re gonna run outta fish by 2050. Isn’t that nuts?
But you cannot surrender yourselves to apathy and … What’s that other thing? … Despair! Yeah, that’s it: Despair.
I’m not gonna tell you to get out there and work hard because a better future lies just around the corner. There’s no evidence for that. In fact, you may haf’ta make big sacrifices just to ensure that the planet’s ecosystem doesn’t completely collapse. You should work hard because the world now teeters on the brink of oblivion, thanks largely to decisions made by people like me and your parents. So let’s all take a moment to apologize to these outstand-well, these graduates, anyway-for the mess we’ve made of things. Let’s hear a nice big, “I’m sorry, kids!”
No takers. Really? Well, it’s a’right to be ashamed. I sure as hell am. Why do you drunk I’m so think right now? OK, les’ start wrappin’ this thing up.
So try to not finish what we started, class of 2010. And don’ forget to donate to the Alumni fund. ‘Spite the fact that the University has over $5 billion in savings, they’re gonna need a lot more. So much more, you guys, seri’sly.
How else they gonna afford my speaking fee?
Weinberg senior Michael Gsovski can be reached at [email protected].
