Twas a bright and sunny night (which I guess means it was summer in Alaska). The birds were chirping, the children playing, MTV finally dropped the word “music” from its name, and despite all of this, people still found things to feel sad about.
One look at our culture, and it’s clear: Negativity is more “in” than vampires these days. Pessimism has penetrated our politics, post offices, pro sports and probably pretty much any other word beginning with “P” too. So to save Prozac from cruel irony, I’ve created a revolutionary new device that filters out all of life’s negativity and shows the world as the awesome place it really is. I’ve created optimism goggles.
I like to consider myself a super-optimist. I don’t see the glass as half-empty or half-full, but as halfway to the next glass. Looking at the negative side of things just isn’t in my nature. It would be like a dove crying, Terry Bradshaw coming out with a smart phone or John Lennon releasing “Imagine Part 2 (Let’s Be Realistic).” I’m so optimistic that despite two years of failure, I’m still convinced I can give up Lent for Lent if I try hard enough.
Utilizing recent scientific discoveries (E=MC Hammer), the goggles I’ve fashioned translate my optimism into a high-powered, negativity-reversing electrical signal. You see a rush-hour traffic jam? In goggle-vision it’s just more time to finish your beer before you get to work. “Viva La Bam” rerun? Goggle-vision sees a sign of society embracing adults with mental disabilities. A bag of candy? Goggle-vision: three bags of candy. The goggles have been known to cause blindness in some cases, but I don’t see that as a problem. Yes, this may be because I’m wearing mine right now, but I heard somewhere ignorance is bliss, and since I love bliss and have no idea what ignorance means, I’ll happily accept that as true.
To appeal to the Sharper Image crowd, I was considering naming these goggles “Bifocal Aperture-Heightening Lens Shifters,” but I had problems with the accompanying slogan (“Life looks pretty good with a pair of BAHLS on your face!”). It also didn’t communicate the product’s main selling point: Optimism is awesoMe with a capital “M” and swegept with a silent “g” and “p.”
Sure, negativity is hard to avoid sometimes (think how Don Har felt when he first read his name in a phone book). And no, spurring your enthusiasm won’t necessarily make you more experienced or intelligent (I used to think baby showers were small rainstorms, and topical cream was well versed in current events). What optimism will do is make you happy, and even a pessimist will have trouble finding fault with that.
You see, the best thing about optimism and the reason these goggles will sell like iPads dipped in crack is it justifies itself. When you’re optimistic, being optimistic just makes sense-like Tiger Woods’ sex life or the Oregon Ducks changing their team name to the Donors. Without negativity in the way, you start to see how beautiful the world is. You start to see how good people are. Just look on the bright side, and you’ll see everyone else is looking there too.
Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].
