It’s time for a good old-fashioned cage match. In the purple corner, we have living in the dorms. In the slightly darker purple corner, we have living off campus. Which one of these living arrangements is the definitive way to experience Northwestern? Only a battle to the death can decide. Three rounds. No gloves. And David Schwimmer is singing the national anthem. This could get ugly, but if we really want to know, we’ll have to tough it out. If we really don’t care, I’m sure we’ll find that out along the way too. Let’s get ready to rumble.-Round 1: Drinking Infractions vs. Parking TicketsBefore living off campus at NU, my parallel-parking experience consisted of crushing a cone in my driving test while my instructor pretended not to notice. (Parking Tickets, on the offensive.) It took me a few hit-and-runs, missing cats and angry neighbors, but now I’m proud to say I’m the Daniel Day-Lewis of parking cars. Living in Evanston, though, this means I’ve received about 100 Deuce PBRs’ worth of parking tickets. (Parking lands a strong left hook!) Our town has more parking police than a Disney resort, and with rules like, “No parking on the even side of the street on odd dates when it rains and the Cubs are playing,” it’s impossible not to get busted. (Alcohol Violations is against the ropes!)Just as easy to do, though, is getting caught drinking in the dorms. Concealing a Busch Light can in the halls of Bobb is difficult with nothing but a towel on, and it’s not like you aren’t going to have a shower beer. (Drinking Infractions, still alive.) The main difference between these two citations is with alcohol, you’re at least having fun doing the thing you’re getting in trouble for. (Boom! Uppercut!) With parking, you’re getting a ticket for something that already sucks. Insult, meet injury. Drinking Infractions with the comeback win. -Round 2: Getting Sexiled vs. Getting EvictedOn one hand, you don’t get to sleep in your comfy dorm room tonight. On the other hand, at least you don’t have to sleep outside (and since when are dorm rooms comfy?). On one foot, you have a furious landlord, frightened neighbors and a bunch of burned clothes (yes, I’m assuming you got evicted because of a meth lab explosion). On the other foot, at least you know no one’s hooking up three feet away from your open bag of Doritos. On one cheek, you’re going to be too tired to make it to class tomorrow… actually, that works for both. Let’s just turn the other cheek and call this round a draw.-Round 3: Meal Plan vs. No PlanI have many fond memories of eating on campus early in my collegiate career. During Fall Quarter freshman year, I ate enough Sbarro to give my arteries a warm coat for the winter, and I drank enough Ice Berry Blue from Sargent to put me in a sugar coma (Meal Plan showboats for the crowd). What changed my mind, though, was the fall of Norris’ buffalo chicken wrap. In the Golden Age of the chicken wrap (2006 or 2007, depending on which calendar you observe), four pieces of chicken came standard. Nowadays receiving that amount of poultry is like getting the leather interior and wood-trim on your tortilla. (No Plan crushes Meal Plan on the back with a chair!)Off-campus dining provides infinitely more options, not only for what you can eat, but also how much you pay for it. We’re full-time students, so unless you work at Dominos, you probably don’t roll with too much dough. One way I’ve cut down of food costs is by doing my grocery shopping on eBay: $2.50 for a like-new Eggo waffle? Deal. Round goes to No Plan.-Tiebreaker: I like living off campus moreI guess it would’ve made more sense just to start with this one. I am the ref after all. Some people will say this fight was rigged, but I assure you, they’re probably right. Or maybe we just learned we don’t care. Either way, this column: TKO.Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].