I’m pretty big on keeping up with the latest trends and fads. For example, I was in on the current flannel craze all the way back in ’92. As someone who is fully enveloped by the know, I can tell you there is nothing more fashionable right now than denial.
I am proud to say I’m an avid denier. It’s kind of like being a hater (or as Kanye would pronounce it, HAAY-turr), but it’s much less active, making it much cooler. To show what it takes to excel in this avant-garde domain of denial, here is a small list of some of things that are very stylish to deny right now.
-Aging: I’m not getting older. I’m just getting lazier, fatter and more obnoxious to an increasing proportion of the population. Age has nothing to do with it. In fact, this has been my plan all along. I’m intentionally mimicking the effects of aging now so in a few decades, I will similarly be able to “youth-enize” myself back to a more vibrant state and really enjoy my 50s and 60s. It’s like hibernating for the winter or napping before a party, and if Mick Jagger has been doing it his whole life, so can I. Aging, denied.
-Global Warming: I’m currently writing this column in a house that got its heat shut off (it’s a long story involving unpaid bills, thermodynamics and lots and lots of karma). As the temperature in my room gradually approaches equilibrium with that of the wilderness outside, I am absolutely positive there is no warming happening here. And yes, I’m intentionally ignoring the fire I’ll have to create tomorrow morning to thaw out my jeans. Warming, denied.
-Anyone Going For An Easy Fast Break Lay-up With LeBron James Chasing Him Down From Behind At Full Speed: Denied.
-Evolution: I don’t have a problem with Darwin’s theory of natural selection or with the idea that we share a chromosome or 12 with apes. What bothers me about the theory of evolution is old Charlie had it backward. I can think of five separate occasions where I could have easily solved a problem by throwing feces at somebody (four of which involved meter maids), but our primitive social norms prohibited me from acting in the most advantageous way. A monkey wouldn’t have thought twice about what to do. He then would have hung out in a tree the rest of the day giving his friends haircuts. We’re the most highly evolved life form? Yeah, right. Da-NIDE!
-The Rumor That I Stole The Cookies From The Cookie Jar: Who me? Couldn’t be. Denied.
-The Contention That D’Nile Is Just A River In Africa: Denied.
-The Holocaust: This is just crazy. I don’t see why anyone, evil or not, would want to rid the world of stand up comedy and bagels. Denied. Denied. Denied.
-Gravity: Yes, I’ve heard what goes up must come down, but I’ve found some very compelling counter evidence to this claim: The Internet. Once something goes up there, it’s up for good. If you don’t believe me, ask Kim Kardashian, Greg Oden and my friend Alfred after he fell asleep on the toilet. Gravity theorists just borrowed their ideas from sex-ed classes and passed them off as their own. (Attraction between heavenly bodies? Please.) Deeeeenied.
If you want to convince a really good denier of something, you better be ready not only to prove it but prove you proved it as well. And denial is just too easy and hip for that to compete with. After a few minutes of strenuous proving, most people run out of steam, stop making sense, forget where they were going or start to feel woozy and before long they’re… Wait, what was I trying to say? Oh, yeah. Denied.Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].
