Michael Moore makes me incredibly angry. It’s not because of my personal politics, which I’m pretty sure don’t exist. It’s strictly because I’m upset I can’t eat him. That’s right, I’m a cannibal. When I look at Moore, all I see is tenderloin that would yield leftovers for about a year and a half. Some insist my eating habits are evil and call for my head on a platter (which I’ve always found ironic), but they rarely give a reason why it’s “wrong” to straight-up eat a dude. If we look through our moral codes and don’t find a definitive answer, I may have to let my taste buds do the talking.

Now, I’ve been a cannibal all my life. Ladyfingers are my favorite food, it shocked me to discover Soylent People was green, and when I heard Comedy Central was roasting Flava Flav, my mouth started watering. You may think this is in bad taste, but I assure you: Quality human, if it’s cooked properly, tastes delicious. They were called the Donner Party for a reason. They were really enjoying themselves. Cannibals get a bad rep in the media, but Hannibal Lecter wouldn’t have seemed so sinister if he had been hip enough to text Clarice: “I 8 his livR w/fva bns + chiNT :-P.”

I’ve always considered myself a good person. I watch charity telethons on TV and my mouth in front of the elderly. Now suddenly I’m a bad guy because I happen to eat the occasional human? Our society can accept drive-thru liquor stores, the movie “Freddy Got Fingered” and an unofficial Twilight dildo (Yea. Sleep at night. I dare you.), but I get dirty looks when I order a hand and cheese sandwich at D&D?

The MPAA movie rating system (as good a moral code as any) says you can have torture, decapitations and Zach Galifianakis’ beard in a film and still be in PG-13 territory. It takes throwing in two F-bombs or one female nipple to put you on the fast track to R country (if you’re listening to this column on audiobook, that was the letter R, not America). So I’m not a bad guy. I’m not talking about swearing or having sex with anyone. I just want a regular PG meal of glazed baby carrots. (Hold the carrots.)

Killing people in video games gets me points, but rapping about it gets me a parental advisory sticker. “Law and Order: SVU” features sexual assault on network TV and gets an Emmy. The Black Crowes feature a few harmless pubes on an album cover and get banned from Wal-Mart. The Bible says “an eye for an eye,” but that also sounds like one of my favorite soup recipes. Who am I supposed to believe here?

If none of the systems we’ve created to show us right from wrong agree with each other, we may be on our own. There’s nothing left for us to do but look in our hearts and decide for ourselves what’s right. Actually, maybe we should hold off on this talk of human hearts. I haven’t eaten lunch yet.