Everything about the NFL Playoffs makes me happy. Everything, that is, except for the nonsensical voices I hear rumbling through my head when I watch a game. I’m not talking about my acute schizophrenia (which actually dies down when I’m watching sports). I’m talking about football commentators.The commentator has long been an enemy to sports fans everywhere, not only because of his magical ability to change the events of the game with his words, but also because it’s his primary duty to make viewers feel like they could do his job better. So in honor of the playoffs, I’ve identified a few of the worst current trends in NFL commentating.
The Big Tight End: This one happens ALL the time. “Favre slings it out to his big tight end.” “Romo hits his big tight end Witten coming across the middle.” All tight ends are gigantic. The smallest one in the league is probably 6’5″, 280. This is like saying the tall center had a great dunk or a base was stolen by the fast pinch runner. The redundant commentator would be much less redundant by leaving it out entirely. The He Says He Says: “Arizona is saying they have the ball… But, wait! The Saints are also claiming they have possession!” Thanks, Walter Cronkite, for that expert reporting. Remember to update me the next time a player inexplicably smiles and hugs a teammate after a touchdown. Both teams say the ball is theirs? Really!? How are we to know the truth? Has this ever happened before in the history of sport? Which team is the liar team? Keep me posted, faithful commentator. Situations like this don’t present themselves very often.
The Ad Tie-In: This is a slippery slope. It begins with someone plugging “How I Met Your Mother” after a commercial break, but before long we’ll hear Al Michaels say, “This game is brought to you by Cialis. For when the time is right, always use Cialis. Contact your doctor if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours. And if someone doesn’t score soon in this overtime, Chris, we might have to call a doctor about this game lasting that long.” Commence shuddering now.
The Football Guy: Saying, “Peyton Manning is the kinda guy who…” or, “Larry Fitzgerald a guy that…” or basically giving any kind of reminder that football players are guys seems unnecessary. Until the NFL gets its own Danica Patrick, there is no need for this clarification. I understand commentators want to sound down to earth and folksy, but regular people just don’t say things like, “Prof. Breen is the kinda guy who teaches history,” or, “my mom’s a gal who gave birth to me.” I’m the kinda guy who thinks that sounds forced.
The Madden Era: If I hear one more story about the “good ol’ days” when John Madden used to commentate, I’m probably gonna frown and then keep watching. I’m fine with people telling stories about him as a coach and his influence on the game, but when they tell anecdotes about his six-legged turkey carving, overuse of the circling pen or cross-country bus orgies, I start to lose some of my patience (which I’ll admit, is abundant). Everyone has to accept that John Madden stopped commentating. Not when he retired, but about six years before that. This is a man whose legacy will be defined by EA not NBC, so we can all stop pretending the James Joyce of commentating has left us, and just celebrate the fact that the average virility of the sports press has gone up dramatically.
I want to believe our commentators might curb these bad habits like a sidewalk, but I know they won’t. If you haven’t noticed any of these trends in sports coverage, watch the NFL this weekend and you will. Don’t be too upset about it, though. I’m really not. If writing this column has taught me anything, it’s that hating on commentators is actually pretty fun. If the games end up being boring this weekend, at least we can always rip on Joe Buck to keep them entertaining.
Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].
