The primal scream: Reading Week finale, high-decibel catharsis and, according to NU’s own Web site, one of our defining traditions. I am Northwestern, and I yell because I study too hard. I think it’s time we take a step back from the library, abolish the primal scream like it’s slavery and invent a new NU tradition that glorifies our school, not the study-stress that comes with it.

First, to rid NU of the primal scream mentality, we’ve got to collectively chill out during Reading Week. It’s a whole week long, longer than the average celebrity marriage, so there’s no reason to pull an all-nighter on day one. It disgusts me that people actually take Adderall to keep them awake and studying. Drugs should stay 500 feet away from schoolwork at all times, lest the two become associated and we ruin drugs’ good name.

Also beware of the library, which can turn regular students into study-zombies who eat textbooks instead of brains. Study at home where you can distract yourself with a board game, TV show or bout of happiness, all of which are prohibited in the library. Your work isn’t going to go anywhere, and if it does, that’s a great excuse not to do it anymore. Relax and remember if something’s worth doing, it’s still worth doing later.

Most importantly, students should avoid any and all screaming during Reading Week so we don’t relapse into our old ways. Steer clear of watching scary movies like Halloween or anything starring Dane Cook. Situations that can result in startling revelations should also be avoided, including checking grades on Blackboard, drinking un-smelt milk and 3 percent of all sexual encounters.

Once the primal scream has been banished from NU like R. Kelly from a playground, we’ll start a new college tradition we can really take pride in. We do already have Dillo Day, which I’ll admit is better than Christmas, Shark Week and pink Starbursts combined, but it’s not enough. Our tradition should trump those of all other schools. Wisconsin has a block party? We’ll have a county fair. USC’s mascot has a sword? We’ll give Willie a missile launcher. Forget Indiana’s Little 500. We’ll start Average-Sized 600 and use rickshaws, not bikes. We even have a beach, making midnight swimming parties, sandcastle building competitions and D-Day reenactment societies all possibilities. We should shoot for the stars here, and I don’t mean creatively. We should take advantage of Willie’s new bazooka and actually fire weapons into the air every night. Beat that, Purdue.

I love NU too much to let it be known only for study-stress and that kid who wears shorts no matter how cold it is. I want to graduate with some memories that don’t involve the words “cumulative,” “SafeAssign” and “5-Hour Energy.” If we haven’t found a great new tradition by Sunday night of Reading Week, I’ll be so mad I might scr… On second thought, let’s not go overboard and end up with something none of us ever wanted.

Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].