Hey, you! Yes, you! No, not you. You! Are you a book club member, Northwestern University student or recovering alcoholic? If the answer is yes, then you know what it’s like to be in a discussion section! Hi, I’m Morgan Freeman or someone else trustworthy, and I’m here to give you a free trial of our comprehensive guide to surviving discussion sections the right way, with as little work as possible! Let’s begin.
Chapter 1: TAs. These creatures, indigenous to Lake Michigan, may appear harmless, but they can end your future with the flick of a red pen so learning their language is essential. Breaking the class into small groups at the start of section is TA for “I haven’t done the reading either,” so take this time to fill in the center of every “O” on your syllabus. Answering a question with “Well, what do you guys think?” doesn’t have an exact English equivalent, but the closest translation is “Look over there!” and then running away. If you catch your TA staring into his lap behind his desk for a prolonged time, he’s about to get a high score in Brickbreaker and should not be disturbed.
Chapter 2: Students. Meet Ms. Interpretation, who despite extensive Googling of the reading still manages an average of three irrelevant comments per minute. There’s the dreaded Participation Point Parasite who frequently raises his hand to agree with what was just said. Ana Logy compares the reading to something else like a roommate conflict, “Friends” episode, or home pregnancy test, and Fählz Al-Arm gets called on twice a class for scratching his head or stretching. All of these students’ comments will begin with the official discussion motto: “Yea, going off what he/she said…”
Chapter 3: Learning. Did you forget to do your reading? Great, you’re on the right track. You’re not expected to register for classes, drink heavily four nights a week and read Ulysses by Monday. You’re expected to cut corners like toenails. Try reading the first and last pages of each chapter. If there’s no time for that, skim for key phrases like “in conclusion,” “to summarize” and “direct skin contact.” Didn’t write that paper either? Blame technology. Say your printer’s out of ink, your H and F keys are broken for a paper on Huck Finn, or your laptop never fully recovered from Y2K. Plus, swine flu is our generation’s “death in the family.” It can get you out of anything. I’m not telling you to lie about it. If you’re in a bind, you go out there, lick some doorknobs and make it happen.
Chapter 4: Purpose. So what’s the point of these discussion sections if all it takes to ensure a vowel on your transcript is this simple guide? Oh, I’m sorry! This is where the free trial ends! With just 12 monthly payments every week you can have the whole thing, plus our bonus video: “Hands Off My Dumbbells! The Official Guide to SPAC Etiquette.” I hope this has been informative. We are the reigning authority on the subject. Now if you could break into groups of 4 and discuss what you just read…
Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].
