I remember the first time I saw the movie The Skulls like it was yesterday (even though it was actually 10 minutes ago) and besides being the creative peak of Paul Walker’s career, it’s, of course, notable for depicting Yale’s fabled secret society, Skull and Bones. So to draw inspiration from the least inspirational of sources, I’m proud to announce I’m starting a secret society at Northwestern. Our school is perfect for such a group. We have tradition, ambition and most importantly: secrets. Like all things here, though, pulling this off is going to take some work.

First off, our society needs a name. I’m a big fan of the skeletal dread of “The Skulls,” but I’m less a fan of copyright infringement so I’m going to suggest we go with “The Femurs.” Solid, firm, resolute; strong academics may be the backbone of NU, but we’ll be the ones who give it legs. The Femurs will not have an official uniform or ceremonial dress. Members of groups with crazy outfits usually look like such tools the only thing they’ll ever arouse is suspicion, and we are going for secrecy. (We’re talking Area 51 secrecy here.) That’s not to say we won’t observe a weekly dress code. We will have casual Fridays, making Friday the most uptight day of the week compared to Skimpy Saturdays, Thigh-high Thursdays and Miley Cyrus Mondays. We gotta have some decency.

To avoid detection, we’ll have to find the most secret place in Evanston to hold meetings. We could meet on boats in the middle of the Lagoon, but the water would get cold in the fall and is most likely radioactive. We could use Kresge if we wanted our meetings to stink like skunked beer and Tyler Perry movies (seriously, smelliest building on campus). But we’ll probably just end up meeting at the Keg on Tuesday nights since no one knows it’s still open then (we’re talking JFK assassination secrecy here).

I’ve considered upgrading The Femurs from secret society to cult, partially for profit and partially because I really like Kool Aid, but I don’t want to bring religion into this. People of all creeds should join The Femurs, so for now we’ll just settle with praying five times a day toward McGee’s Tavern and Grille. Also, The Femurs will not advertise by taping flyers to NU sidewalks. Not only will this reduce painful collisions among students who like to read, it will prevent mix-ups between us and other campus organizations. If half the people at our meetings were there for ASG elections, it would be more confusing than using “faster” as a safe word. So no advertising, period (we’re talking Andy Dick’s sex change secrecy here).

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “I have (always wanted to be) a (member of The Femurs because they live the) dream.” And the best part is we will be super easy to join. All it takes to become a member is to know the password. And that, of course, is: “When we really try, our school can be as fun as any in the country.” That’s all it takes. Because after all, if you know the password you’re already in on Northwestern’s best-kept secret.

Weinberg senior David Moss can be reached at [email protected].