The scene: It’s late at night the Friday before the big Homecoming game. Two conflicted Northwestern administrators, Dick and Jane, are sitting before a fire, engrossed in a conversation over the tickets they will be selling tomorrow for the game.
DICK: So, it’s settled then. $50 for sideline tickets, $40 for corner seats and $35 for the end-zone seats.
JANE: I think it – well, I hope this works. God, I hope so.
DICK: Jane, you can’t worry about these things. We’ll sell enough tickets.
JANE: But, Dick! What will we say to last year’s alumni who want tickets? I really think we should offer them – gee, I don’t know – a discount on their tickets.
DICK: What? You think we should offer the students discounted tickets? (Dick shudders as he says “discounted” with revulsion.) How can you even say that?
JANE: It cost them just about $152,000 just to attend here!
DICK: Well, Jane, I pose a question to you: Why stop now? Should we really restrict the generosity of our seniors? I propose it would be a privilege – an honor, really – for these students, who have already given so much, to give back once more.
JANE: I’m just not so sure they’ll see it that way.
DICK: Sometimes I feel like you lack the connection I have with our alumni. What greater gift can we give to our alumni than the opportunity to pay to stand in the rain for hour after hour?
JANE: (In a small voice) I think most of the alumni would prefer the discount, actually.
DICK: No! No! It’s your thinking that’s keeping our ticket sales down. Have you seen our alumni stands lately? They’re all but empty, Jane. Empty. And do you know why?
JANE: Actually, yes. I have an idea…
DICK: You’ve noticed it, too? Our alumni just don’t feel tickets to Northwestern football games are prestigious enough. We’ve been low-balling them with these $50 tickets. Our alumni must think to themselves it would be insulting to pay such pocket change to watch Northwestern athletics. I feel awful I’ve ever put them in such a pickle.
JANE: Hold on! I’m not sure I like where this is going.
DICK: Like it? You’re going to love it! Jane, I think we need to raise our ticket prices.
JANE: Wait, what?
DICK: Sideline tickets are $50? Never again! $100! $150! The sky is the limit!
JANE: How are they going to pay for that?
DICK: You really don’t know our recent graduates, do you? This is Northwestern, Jane. No one has trouble finding a job. This conversation’s really shown me someone in this office has really messed up on ticket sales.
JANE: I couldn’t agree more, Dick.
Weinberg senior Mac LeBuhn can be reached at [email protected].
