Watching the show Dirty Jobs, where host Mike Rowe tries a different disgusting, challenging or humiliating profession every week, I couldn’t help thinking there’s one job out there that’s too dirty even for Mike. I’m talking, of course, about being a terrorist. With a high-stress work environment, low job security and zero health benefits, terrorism has to be the roughest gig in America.
Recent studies show terrorists have the highest suicide rate of any modern profession. That’s right, postal workers: You’re no longer the crazy kids in class. Other reports indicate the terrorist’s office – be it a cave, bomb manufacturing plant or hijacked plane – is prone to twice as many work-related accidents as any textile mill or coal mine. And if you think your boss is bad, the guys terrorists work for will fire you for even the slightest infraction, and I mean actually fire you. As in burn you in a fire.
The grueling tasks terrorists perform at the office go far beyond those at even the most hectic workplaces you’ve seen. These people have to deal with hazardous chemicals, loud noises and unruly hostages with little to no hope for a promotion. The average terrorist creative department has to come up with six methods of mass destruction every week to avoid being demoted to accounting.
It also doesn’t help that terrorists are one of the most discriminated working groups in the country (right after telemarketers). Many terrorists even have to keep their job a secret to avoid being treated like second-class citizens. I thought our country was past this kind of hatred. We have our first black president and our first Latina Supreme Court justice, but did you know no terrorist has ever held any elected position in our country? Talk about taxation without representation. (Do terrorists pay taxes?)
Discrimination extends to acceptance into top universities. Northwestern’s own terrorist population is estimated to be below .01 percent. After hearing our school proclaim its devotion to diversity, I’m disappointed to see a group so underrepresented. How am I supposed to be exposed to all walks of life if I’m not horrified of being exploded at any moment?
NU’s diversity department declined to comment on the extremely low acceptance rate for terrorists at our school. I understand reluctance toward letting in anyone with such disregard for public well-being, but where were those policies when the school accepted Rod Blagojevich?
So yeah, your boss made you work late or your professor assigned too much reading. Boo-hoo. Just thank God you’re not a terrorist, ’cause then you’d really have something to complain about. Next time you see a terrorist walking down the street, don’t run away. Just shake his hand and say, “Wow pal, you’ve got it rough.” Then handcuff that hand to the nearest stop sign and punch him in his crazy terrorist face. Being evil is tough work. I’m just glad most of the world is lazy.
