ALL’S FAIR IN J-SCHOOL JOB WARS

Yesterday journalism majors descended upon the Louis Room for the Medill Career Fair, where representatives from places like Bloomberg Media and the Onion were on call. “I talked to The Atlantic for one minute,” says a Medill senior, “before I told them I couldn’t work for free.” The day’s finest moment came when an outsider tried to crash the NU-only event. According to one gussied up sophomore in attendance, “the guy was clad in a full suit with résumés in hand, and was yelling about how misleading Medill had been about the fair being for NU students only.” The intruder proceeded to “rant about how the school had wasted his time, muttering something about it being such a ridiculous situation.” What’s the big idea? Why do you think we’re paying $50,000 if not to have exclusive access to jobs that won’t exist in a few years? Better luck next time, bro.

ANIMALS IN TECH

Here at our renowned research university, we’ve always wondered what was going on in the mysterious second basement of Tech, so we sent one of our brave reporters to find out. We’d come to imagine a Bond-meets-Gattaca kind of scene after hearing rumors of retina scans upon entrance and labs full of monkeys with appendages, but our thirst for truth was left unquenched. Perceived to be a prying animal rights investigator, our reporter was sternly turned away and warned that her story could get professors and research assistants alike in “serious trouble.” Why so guarded, guys? Guess the closest we’ll ever get to Important Confidential Animal Research Stuff is watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, making baking soda and vinegar volcanoes and eating neon gummy worms.

MORE ANIMALS IN TECH

It’s the end of the day, you’ve Gchat-ed through hours of classes, and then, what’s that rustling in the bushes outside Tech? Is that…a panda? Why no, it’s an Asian-American fraternity pledge made to dress like one for his brothers’ amusement. We’re sure it was a proud moment for the politically correct and fetishists alike. One Bobb freshman told us, “It was very odd…there was a group of boys watching him and they were really into it.” We’re glad to hear it, because she also mentioned nobody else really laughed or reacted. OK pranksters, why stop there? Why not put him on a bus and rename it the Panda Express? L-O-L!