Approximately one year ago, the calamity now known as Quotegate enveloped the Medill School of Journalism, Northwestern University and much of the journalistic world. Columns were written, condemnations were cried and in the end, no jobs were lost.
At the center of the controversy was John Lavine, the dean of Medill whose popularity at the school was questionable at best even before Quotegate. For those new to the subject, here is the quick-hit version of what happened: Mr. Lavine “quoted” unnamed students from an IMC class, Daily columnist David Spett questioned their legitimacy, Mr. Lavine denied any wrongdoing, people got angry, Mr. Lavine was acquitted by the provost.
What most people don’t know, however, is the real John Lavine. Though he is shrouded in controversy, he is a great man, and I can prove it. I have here a copy of Mr. Lavine’s personal bio from his application for the dean position at Medill. So ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you the life of John Lavine, as written by John Lavine:
“On Dec. 25, 1952, John Lavine was born in a hot air balloon at the top of the world. After a childhood historians have called ‘nothing short of extraordinary,’ he attended high school at the prestigious Choate Rosemary Hall, graduating in just four hours and setting multiple school records in swimming, many of which still stand. From there he moved onto college at Princeton, Yale, Harvard and Columbia, finishing each in a year and accumulating degrees in English, History, Political Science, Economics, Biology and Women’s Studies, as well as two in Latin.
“The job market sure was eager for Lavine to make a career decision, but the Ivy League grad chose instead to serve his country in Vietnam. Though he saw limited combat time, Lavine was hailed as a hero after saving his entire unit from an ambush in the thick Vietnamese forest just minutes before it was napalmed by American air support – all despite suffering a gunshot wound to the buttocks. For this, he was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor and earned the nickname ‘Forrest.’
“Upon returning to the United States, Lavine started his own marketing firm, taking on a plethora of clients that included 37 Fortune 500 companies. The slogans ‘Always Coca Cola,’ ‘Have you had your break today?’ and ‘Once you pop, you just can’t stop’ are all Lavine originals. In 1997, he sold the firm to Rupert Murdoch for 487 million American dollars, a vacation home in Maui, two private jets and a pony named Sparkles.
“In September 1988, Lavine went on a three-week long sabbatical to Nepal in search of a natural elixir of life. Despite the loss of his Sherpa Tenzing to a combination of malaria and wild tiger attack, Lavine went on to find his holy grail. As a result, he will never die.
“Having amassed worldwide fame and a vast personal wealth and achieved immortality, Lavine decided to turn his energy toward teaching. He helped found the University of Minnesota in 1982, and in 1989 was picked to head up the Media Management Center at NU. He has been an integral part of the Medill community ever since, and feels he would be the perfect candidate to take the ‘journalism’ school in a practical direction for the 21st century.”
So there you have it, the real John Lavine. And let me tell you, after learning all that, I sure feel good about the Medill degree I’ll be getting this June.
