As I continue through the first quarter of my senior year, I have come to the realization that every week I hear the same complaints about Northwestern: There’s no dating scene. The cops always bust Hundo. So-and-so wrote such-and-such in The Daily.

I don’t really know why it took me more than three years to realize this, but I’m pretty sure it’s because when other people are talking to me I have more important things to think about. For example the other day my econ professor was bothering me during class with some nonsense about factor input maximizations while I was trying to figure out how I missed the signs that Dumbledore is gay. I mean come on! A single man that age? And one that is so gentle and caring? How did that one slip by? I’m guessing it was his disheveled appearance. I’ll still have to get my gaydar checked out. Anyway, normally I’m not one to complain – in fact I’ve had it up to here with you complainers (I’m holding my hand up to my shoulder. Actually I’m not, I’m typing) – but today I’ve got a few complaints of my own.

First off, what the hell happened to Sargent? Apparently, someone thought that a new paint job, wheely chairs and hardwood floors would make the food taste better. Wheels on hardwood floors are exactly what I need when I eat so that every time I shift my body weight I can end up two tables over. Thank God for Q and the best omelettes in the world. Q, if you happen to read this, you bring sunshine into my universe.

I’m also excited to see flat screens popping up in the hallways of class buildings. The only way I ever pay attention to announcements is if they come from an expensive monitor.

Another thing I want to complain about is that a 106-year-old man got married to an 81-year-old woman recently in China. I don’t really have a problem with this except that it made me think about old people doing it, and now I want you to share my pain. Also, since the man is 25 years older than the woman, I don’t know if he is cradle robbing or if she is grave robbing.

Two more things I want to know are why everyone is so happy about finding the Travelocity gnome and what is the big deal over Stacy Jacobson’s guest column? If you ask me, that gnome wasn’t kidnapped, and he was up to no good. How did he get behind that refrigerator? Evil gnome magic, that’s how.

I wasn’t as interested in Stacy’s column as I was in the angry comments on The Daily’s Web site. So what? I like to glorify myself all the time. I do it every morning when I admire my chiseled physique in the mirror. I’ll even do it right now. I’m better than you. Wow, that made me feel good about myself.

Weinberg senior Alec Hayden can be reached at [email protected].