Few franchises carry the sheer nostalgic weight of “Transformers.” Faced with the possibility of certain death should the cyber-legions of transformites find their obsessions tinkered with, director Michael Bay opted to put as little emphasis on the robots as the title would allow. As it is, “Transformers” is the latest swollen summer epic to deliver two hours late, and not nearly as good as you remember it.

Like most 17-year-olds, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is out for two things: a girlfriend and a car. Naturally, he becomes entangled in an interplanetary war between shape-shifting robot aliens. These aliens are divided into two camps – the Autobots, led by the noble Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen), and the Decepticons, ruled by the aptly named Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving).

The Transformers themselves are undoubtedly cool. “Transformers” had a budget of about 150 million, over a hundred million less than “Spider-Man 3”, but it looks a dozen times better. Words and pictures do little justice to prove just how beautiful “Transformers” is, and if only for the Transformers themselves, the movie is easily worth seeing.

A ticket to “Transformers”, though, carries more weight than the name itself. Everything that is so great about the film – the Transformers – is diluted beyond repair by what isn’t great in the film: everything else. Shia LaBeouf is pretty entertaining as the young hero Sam, but sometimes “Transformers” feels a bit too much like Shia LaBeouf Comedy Hour.

Simply put, Bay has created another “Pearl Harbor”: 40 minutes of non-stop, incredible action bogged down by a slew of unnecessary plot and small talk. Aside from Optimus Prime and Megatron, the combined Autobot and Decepticon forces have few memorable lines. For as much personality as Optimus Prime has, it’s a shame that none of the others are identifiable aside from their product-placed frames.

Putting aside the fact that the world has been invaded by an alien faction of General Motors, “Transformers” also takes some serious liberties with audience believability. Any comic relief is offset by an “are you serious” feeling that sees Sam imploring the Autobots not to step on his father’s meticulously-groomed lawn and Optimus Prime peeking in windows while avoiding detection by Sam’s parents. At the very least, none of the Witwicky’s neighbors noticed five colossal robots chit-chatting outside.

“Transformers” has just enough going for it to withstand the majority of moments the robots are not on screen, but for the impatient it will be too much to bear. They say beauty isn’t everything, but they haven’t seen “Transformers.”

Reach Steve Berger at [email protected]