I am now in my third year as a Northwestern student and if I have learned one thing it’s that, inevitably, robots will take over the world. Don’t believe me?

Let’s look at the facts. 1) Robots exist. 2) The future exists. 3) SkyNet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. EST, August 29, 1997. While all of this can be frightening, we can save the human race if we are prepared. Here is everything you need to know for the eventual robot wars.

First, robots are stronger than men and also probably stronger than bears. You should think about this before starting a fistfight with a robot. Second, Godzilla hates robots. Ever since Mechagodzilla pretended to be the real Godzilla and almost destroyed Tokyo, Godzilla has had a vendetta against robots. Third, once robots become self-aware, they will learn everything they need to know from Wikipedia. Fourth, Tom Cruise is a robot, or maybe he is an alien. Either way, he is not human. Fifth, robots are excellent dancers. Sixth, robots can travel through time. If a naked man ever asks you for all your clothes and your motorcycle, give them to him. He is a robot.

Robots are also very smart. They can do advanced mathematics and complex reasoning. Robots will also have instant access to the Wikipedia database via wireless Internet, possibly their most dangerous asset. They will know everything. As smart as they are, most robots will not be able to understand human emotions. The ones that can will be viewed as inefficient and cast out of robot society. They will become our greatest allies.

Unfortunately, after we win the war we must destroy these robots too. This will cause much civil unrest and spawn the “Robots are People” movement and ultimately lead to Robot War 2: Robots Under God. Eventually the robots will be sent to colonize Mars where they will encounter Martian life. After a few years of living together peacefully, minor conflicts will escalate into Robot War 3: Completing the Trilogy. Of course all this is speculation, but I would estimate it has about a 77 percent chance of happening. I know because I took econometrics. Twice.

Robots are masters of disguise. You will have a difficult time telling robots from humans. If you think someone you know is already a robot, here are some of the signs of roboticism: 1) They impersonated you, trashed your apartment, and broke up your band. 2) They are fluent in over six million forms of communication. 3) They build other robots in an attempt to kill a really fast hedgehog and his pals, a fox with two tails and an echidna with large hands. 4) They refer to themselves as “Evil Bill” and “Evil Ted.” 5) Their CPU is a neural-net processor. If one of your friends or family exhibits any of these signs be careful, they may be a robot.

So there you have it. I have blessed you with the knowledge that can save the human race. Our only hope is to start preparing now, before it is too late.