Unless you’ve been dead or in a coma the last week, you’ve probably heard about Don Imus’ comments.
Initially, I only read half of the headline and looked at the accompanying picture, which I mistook for Robert Redford, so I assumed that Robert Redford called the Rutgers women’s basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.”
My first thought was “Man, Redford really let his eyebrows grow,” but then I realized Robert Redford is a pretty nice guy so he probably wouldn’t say that. I decided that Redford was making one of those feel good movies where he coached a bunch of “nappy headed-hos” and got them to come together to win the championship.
Needless to say I was disappointed when I found out what actually happened, because I thought this was a pretty good premise for a movie.
Anyway, in order to put Imus’ remarks in context, I’ve come up with the sports related celebrity insensitivity scale, or SRCIS for short.
The SRCIS classifies people based on other callous actions in the world of sports. This scale doesn’t only have to apply to sports-related celebrities so feel free to see where you fit in.
Level 1: Billy Packer. When Charlie Rose asked Packer if he could be Packer’s runner at the Final Four, Packer told him no because he would “fag out” on his duties. If you are so old that words don’t mean what they used to anymore and the microwave scares you, then you are a Billy Packer.
Level 2: Kwame Brown. Back in January, Brown took a guy’s birthday cake as the man exited a restaurant where he was having his 30th birthday party and threw it at him. Brown then got in his limo and drove off. If you hate birthdays, birthday parties, cake or dudes leaving restaurants, then you belong in level 2 with Kwame Brown.
Level 3: Michael Ray Richardson. When the Continental Basketball Association coach was asked about his big new contract, he replied, “I’ve got big time Jew lawyers.” When told those comments might be offensive because of the stereotype that Jewish people are crafty he responded “Are you kidding me? They are. They’ve got the best security system in the world. Have you ever been to an airport in Tel Aviv? They’re real crafty.” Are you a fan of ethnic slurs? Do you think global warming is a Jewish conspiracy? If so, then consider yourself a Michael Ray.
Level 4: Nate Newton. In 2001, the former Dallas Cowboy was arrested for having 213 pounds of marijuana in his van. When asked about his arrest, Newton pointed to his competitive nature saying “I couldn’t see myself not being the biggest dope man.” If you carry enough pot in your car to get your hometown high for several years just so you can be the best drug dealer around, then classify yourself as a Nate Newton.
When all is said and done, Don Imus can be classified as a Michael Ray Richardson, which pretty much solves everything.
