No goin’ back now,” says the father to placate his family. This is a reminder that you paid for the ticket, so just sit back and enjoy The Grudge On a Farm.

All right, that’s a little harsh, because The Messengers rips off a lot more than just The Grudge. The movie also pays extensive tribute to The Amityville Horror, The Shining, The Birds and just about every other horror movie that has something to do with ghosts or evil houses.

The story follows a family that relocates to a derelict mansion in North Dakota that has already seen its share of gruesome murder. The father’s struggle as a sunflower farmer is made a little easier when he hires a gun-toting vagabond who stumbles onto his land.

Daughter Jess (Kristen Stewart) suffers the persistent abuse of the mansion’s ghosts, which also greatly amuse her mute 3-year-old brother. Standard-issue horror film hijinks ensue.

The frequency of crow attacks in the film is pretty sickening, approaching a Birds-level of bird-based plot progression. They rival the ghosts for screen time, and by the ninth or tenth crow scare it’s pretty obvious the directors were desperate to hit the 80-minute mark.

It makes you wonder why they couldn’t flesh out a halfway-decent story, given that they had about a half-hour of story to tell and then had plenty of space for barren filler.

The last third of the film is an unnecessary departure, and it almost feels a little uncomfortable. You remember the torture scene in Casino Royale? Yeah, that sort of uncomfortable. Except it lasts for the rest of the film, doesn’t really help to explain anything that’s happened and veers from “a bit unnerving” to “lemonade-on-the-front-porch cheery.”

So go ahead. Kill the messenger boy. He was a jerk, anyway.

-Steven Berger

Grade: C