By Patrick DorseyThe Daily Northwestern
Before we gathered in front of our NFL-banned, 12-foot by 12-foot plasma-screen TV to watch the Super Bowl, the Man Law men and I sat around the Square Table to make some new rules.
Here’s a transcript (note: not actual transcript):
BURT REYNOLDS: Guys, I’d like to introduce Mr. Dorsey. He said he liked me in “Cop and 1?2,” so I let him come today.
EVERYONE: Hi, Mr. Dorsey.
ME: Enough with the pleasantries. I have one and only one issue on my mind, and it involves Carmelo Anthony.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Is it that annoying TV commercial of his they show all the time?
ME: No. I’ll save that for another day. This involves the outcry about ‘Melo getting “snubbed” from the All-Star team.
JIMMY JOHNSON: But he did get snubbed.
ME: Please. What kind of man are you? And don’t even get me started about Dave Wannstedt…
MR. REYNOLDS: Dorsey, get to your point.
ME: Point is, I know ‘Melo’s leading the league in scoring. I know he missed the team last year. But no self-respecting man would put him on the All-Star team, because –
JEROME BETTIS: …because of Denver’s girly powder-blue uniforms?
ME: No! Because nobody punches and runs away – and gets away with it! Did you see him? After he slugged Mardy Collins during the brawl, he ran away like he just snitched on someone.
TRIPLE-H: He’s right. That was pretty gutless.
MR. JOHNSON: But 31 points per game! On 48 percent shooting! And besides, don’t you drink Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade?
TRIPLE-H: Huh? He does?
ME: That’s beside the point. The real issue is this: While it’s true ‘Melo’s one of the most talented scorers in the league – probably one of the most talented players, period – if you’re gonna throw a punch, you have to stand there and take what’s coming to you. Otherwise, you have to wait before getting named an All-Star! Man Law!
EVERYONE: Man Law!
MR. JOHNSON: You still drink Mike’s Light.
FREE-THROWS
Injuries to Raja Bell, Kurt Thomas and now Steve Nash have exposed the Suns’ lack of depth – far more troubling than their supposed lack of defense … The Celtics have lost 14 in a row, yet GM Danny Ainge and coach Doc Rivers still have jobs. Are the Sox and Patriots really that popular in Boston?
Assistant Sports Editor Patrick Dorsey is a Medill senior. He can be reached at [email protected].
