By Tony EvansThe Daily Northwestern
In the age of computers, who has time to make breakfast? Thankfully, you don’t have to anymore.
Last week, I visited Pop-Tartery, the brand new Sherman Plaza breakfast eatery that specializes in – get this – Pop-Tarts. From the second you open Pop-Tartery’s frosting-coated doors and step inside the restaurant’s cherry-flavored interior, breakfast will never feel the same again.
The first thing that impressed me about Pop-Tartery is that the menu is surprisingly diverse. The restaurant offers a wide selection of Kellogg Pop-Tarts, in addition to Pillsbury Toaster Strudels and Jewel Brand Heatable Paste Biscuits. On my first visit, I ordered one of Kellogg’s original 1872 rhubarb tart bars ($23.95 for two), which were originally prescribed as a cure for masturbation, sodomy and other weaknesses of constitution. (I found the tarts to be tasty and filling, though largely ineffective at curbing my impure desires.)
In this gourmet eatery, customers have the opportunity to completely customize their Pop-Tart experience. You can specialize your breakfast with any number of extra toppings, including sprinkles (available in seasonal colors), frosting, hot fudge and bacon bits. There are also low-carb options available for the health-conscious Pop-Tart enthusiast, though I would not personally recommend the lettuce-wrapped strawberry tart.
Part of the fun at Pop-Tartery is watching the Pop-Tarts cook in a giant novelty toaster that employees boast can “cook a screaming child in 12 minutes.” The giant toaster heats the Pop-Tarts almost instantly using a special breakfast radiation that effectively kills any bacteria or unborn fetuses in a 50-yard radius.
I found the service at Pop-Tartery to be first rate. The employees, playfully referred to as Pop-Tartists, make the restaurant as warm and inviting as any Evanston kitchen. They greet customers with a smile, wearing stained bathrobes and brandishing bottles of cheap scotch. Eating at Pop-Tartery is like taking a breakfast vacation to your favorite memories of childhood.
It’s this kind of home-style service that makes Evanston customers willing to pay $12 for a single Pop-Tart.
A pair of stylish flat panel televisions broadcast reruns of “The Price is Right” while you enjoy your delicious Pop-Tart, which is served in a custom Pop-Tart holder made out of month-old employment pages and flavor-enhancing duct tape. If I have only one complaint, it’s that “The Price is Right” took a serious dip in quality when classic announcer Rod Roddy passed away in 2003 after a tragic Plinko accident.
Many people have criticized Pop-Tartery, saying that the restaurant “panders to yuppies who will pay anything to revisit their pathetic childhood memories.” They go on to say: “I can’t believe that you are actually too lazy to make your own Pop-Tarts. It only takes five minutes.” To these critics, I would like to suggest that perhaps we are only as old as we feel. After all, nobody is too old to enjoy a tasty Pop-Tart.
Weinberg senior Tony Evans can be reached at [email protected].
