Okay, I’ll admit it: I was almost going to write this column about hazing. I mean, it’s hip, it’s fresh, it’s totally edgy – it’s everything you’d want from a PLAY editor, right?

No, you asshole. If there’s anything I’ve learned from, uh, NOT spending six hours on BadJocks.com, it’s that, like racism, hazing is only funny in principle. And, well, I’m allergic to principles.

So unless you want me to strip you down, hand you a beer and force you to make out with scantily-clad freshmen – which, by the way, doesn’t sound like it should be illegal – I suggest you don’t object if, in a couple sentences, I awkwardly switch to a less scandalous subject. Because, unlike, say, Kevin Federline, hazing isn’t offensive enough to warrant a 400-word diatribe.

(Okay, maybe it is. But, c’Monday, it’s not like the varsity women’s soccer team hooked up with Britney Spears. And recorded a single. And, er, abandoned two children from a previous marriage.)

Anyway, in the spirit of salvaging whatever dignity “hoff03” didn’t destroy with those nasty, nasty Webshots, I’d like to devote the rest of my column to something that won’t headline the “breaking news” brief during Grey’s Anatomy: not hazing.

If you’re confused by this revolutionary concept – I’m looking at you, Medill freshman Laura Binder – allow me to illustrate it for you.

Let’s say, for example, that you’re a junior not-hazer on a not-hazing women’s varsity athletic team. It’s fall training season, and the new freshmen arrive, eagerly awaiting a season full of sisterhood and soccer.

But first, a not-hazing initiation. Oh, what fun you’ll have! Panty raids? Binge drinking? Slip ‘n’ Slide streaking through Tech? Of course not, silly. Those things could constitute “hazing,” and, as ABC news so eloquently implied, hazing is, like, SO last season.

Let’s try something more appropriate, hmm? As a not-hazing upperclassman, the freshmen will look to you for not-hazing guidance. Instead of giving lap dances to the men’s soccer team, why not put on a puppet show? Or, instead of scrawling lewd comments all over each other, why not paint a mural that promotes diversity?

Much like the Disney Channel, not-hazing initiations are a great way to encourage a younger generation while simultaneously making them feel grossly inadequate.

As a veteran not-hazer, you have the power to make a difference. Sure, you might want to bully the new kids and document your exploits on the Internet. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t. But lest you wind up half-naked on the local news, I’d suggest you leave the hazing to the haters. And, maybe, the varsity women’s soccer team – but just, y’know, for kicks.

Medill sophomore Dan Macsai the PLAY editor. He can be reached at [email protected].