Hi, my name is Dan Macsai, and I’d like join the esteemed ranks of “Mother Russia,” “Soda Popinski,” and, uh, “NUMB Fucking Tenor” (?) in pretending to run for ASG President.

I know, I know. I might be a couple days late, I don’t have any experience in government, and I’m kind of a douche bag. But, c’Monday, 316 of you voted for “Dickie Humps.” Can’t you extend me – an avid supporter of both dickies and humping – the same courtesy?

Wait, don’t answer that yet. After interviewing several ASG candidates and studying their campaign strategies – as in, I said “Hi” to Jay Schumacher and chuckled at the “Hey, Tri-Delt, try some Dickie” sign scribbled in the sorority quad – I’ve learned that I can’t just ask for your vote. I have to chalk your sidewalk, invade your dormitory and force you to join my partisan Facebook.com group. Then, if I’m lucky, you’ll pimp my proverbial ride on Election Day.

Unfortunately, as my friend Lucy once so eloquently professed, I’m something of a “lazy bee-yotch.” Yeah, I want to be your president. But if you think I’m going to stand outside the Arch for six hours, passing out promotional flyers and smiling at children, you’re probably crazier than those 14 screwballs who thought it’d be novel to have a president named “Gason Jumer.”

Besides, why should I fight for exposure when I’ve got a weekly magazine at my disposal? Suck on that, Mother Russia.

But enough talk. Without further ado, I proudly present my “platform of perfection” – otherwise known as “a list of three lofty goals I’ll never be able to realize.” If I were you, Schumacher, I’d be taking notes.

1. Prohibition. People are always complaining that alcohol interferes with their studies, so why not eliminate the temptation? History might argue otherwise but, to be honest, history kind of blows. I think it’s time we stop living in the past and start embracing the future.

2. Icees for all. The machine in Norris University Center was definitely a step in the right direction (see “King of Pop,” page 10) but, as viable consumers, we cannot agree to settle. As your president, I will not eat, sleep or slurp until every Northwestern student – real and write-in – has a no-charge chillgasm.

3. Underwear-free Fridays (I’d call them “Freeballing Fridays,” like we did at overnight camp, but I’d like to maintain gender equality). Trust me, nothing promotes democracy like strolling along the lakefill, spreading your legs and allowing a nice, gentle breeze to caress your upper thigh.

Sigh. If only we could all be so free.4

Medill sophomore Dan Macsai is the PLAY editor. He can be reached at [email protected].