Thanksgiving is a time when we sit around the table with family and friends and give thanks for all the wonderful, joyous things in our lives. But I know what Thanksgiving is really about: food and football. So with Turkey Day just around the bend, I figure we could put the two together and see what we get out of it in the national college football scene. I want to invite you all to the NCAA Thanksgiving Potluck Dinner. All proceeds will go to $100 handshakes with Ohio State football players. Thanks to those who generously provided us with the food. Here’s what we have to eat today:
Humble pie. Brought to us by the ever-giving Jim Tressel and Ohio State University. Hey, the one thing they give you that’s not under the table is a whole bunch of cockiness and self-praise. But this year, after three straight losses and no shot at a Big Ten or BCS title, it’s only fitting that this is what they brought to the potluck. Hey Buckeyes, congrats on the 6-4 record. Good luck in the Nobody Cares Bowl.
Whipped Cream. Brought to the table by Illinois. The Fighting Illini have been whipped more than Chief Illini has been by stupid, tree-hugging, politically correct, hippie liberals around the nation. Ron Turner’s team has been whipped so much he is in line to be the spokesman for Cool Whip once he gets canned.
Not so sweet potatoes. Many thanks to Boise State, which complains about being left out of BCS bowl contention despite being undefeated. Boise State is like the tasty-looking dish brought by your Aunt Nelma that nobody eats and everyone except Nelma knows really tastes like crap. Yes, we get the fact that you are undefeated, but listen to what we have to say: You play crappy football teams and, even more important, you are a crappy football team. Boise State has as much of a claim to a BCS game as the Pop Warner champions in Idaho.
Wine. Brought to the table by the AP and ESPN as a gift to Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops. In the past week, Stoops has continually whined about Auburn being hyped as a better contender for the national title simply because the SEC has a contract with ESPN, which makes the network’s analysts want to promote an SEC team. Hey Stoops: Oklahoma’s in the Big 12, and you have sponsorships with ABC, Fox and TBS. What, they don’t analyze, too? Stop crying and play football. Plus, I didn’t hear you complaining last year when you were given a shot at a national title that you didn’t deserve.
Turkey. Brought to us by Virginia Tech in an attempt to explain what its mascot is. What the hell is a Hokie? Virginia Tech officials explain on their Web site that a “hokie” is a made-up bird that was created by a student who won a contest to rewrite the cheer when Virginia Tech was renamed. It evolved from a turkey, they say. So basically, the university entrusted students to come up with a name and one slacker invented a bird and actually won. Great selection process, guys. Do you work for the BCS? Well, it could have been worse: They could’ve been named after the nutlike seed of a horse chestnut.
Herring and a pot of gravy. Provided by Randy Walker as a tribute to Noah Herron, the one person he can count on to win a game for the Cats. Walker brought the gravy ’cause Noah’s been nothing but gravy all year long for the Cats. Noah carries more weight on his back than Kevin Garnett in the Adidas commercial.
We didn’t let Hawaii into the Thanksgiving dinner because they’re not really a part of the country. But don’t worry, we will take leftover turkey sandwiches for them when we head there next Saturday.
Reach Paul Tenorio at [email protected].
