With Oct. 31 only two days away, it’s only right to look at some of the scariest characters in today’s college football scene. But be warned: This stuff is extremely scary.

Freshman Oklahama running back Adrian Peterson’s moves

This guy breaks more legs than John Gotti did in his prime. He’s had more slashing action this year than “Scream” 1, 2 and 3 combined. Texas is still having nightmares of facing Peterson; Longhorns coach Mack Brown’s sheets haven’t been clean since facing the freshman phenom.

Wisconsin’s defense

No defense has put more fear in Big Ten offenses than the Badgers’.

But even scarier than their defense is the Halloween celebration in Madison. If the riots and tear gas don’t scare you, the costumes on State Street will. Their basketball team’s star point guard dressed up as a French maid last year. Now that is scary.

Penn State coach Joe Paterno

I’m sorry, but if you are not scared by the fact that Paterno looks like some kind of gremlin-Furby mix with those huge glasses on, then something is wrong with you. Plus he’s all hunched over and has those googly earlobes. That is scary. Old people are scary. And they smell.

Naming rights

Even worse, the SBC president is trying to take over the world Pinky-and-the-Brain style. After buying the naming rights for the Red River Classic and Cotton Bowl, SBC set its sights on the annual Michigan-Ohio State game. Michigan eventually turned down the money, but we know that won’t deter The Brain.

The Bowl Championship Series

This is the scariest thing to happen to the sports world ever. Computers have more power in this ratings system then they did in “The Matrix.” Every time the BCS rankings come out, I hope Morpheus calls so I can unplug myself. Computers aren’t meant to decide football champions. They’re for looking up porno.

Cal QB Aaron Rodgers

Opposing cornerbacks shudder at the thought of facing Rogers. He’s coming up behind Matt Leinart in the Heisman standings faster than a mugger on the streets of Evanston. This kid shells out more bullets than the mob at the Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Job security at the

University of Florida

Ron Zook got axed so fast I thought the university president was Michael Myers. I half expect Jamie Lee Curtis to show up and straighten out the situation down in The Swamp.

Reach Paul Tenorio at [email protected].