There is no reason why after a good nighttime random hook-up, the morning walk home should be “shameful.” As I’m sure all sex-lovers out there would agree, we should really be proud on that sunrise journey home. Really, we should be passing people saying, “Yeah, that’s right. I just got laid.”

But instead, unfortunately, morning afters are met with stark embarrassment. So the question is: what is the best way to avoid humiliation?

The first obstacle is timing the walk. I know people who worry that they’re being rude by leaving the person they just slept with, still sleeping. But more important matters need to be considered. For example, calculating the best time to avoid awkward confrontations. Because even if you’re sleeping with someone in a serious relationship, passing your biology teacher in a mini skirt and high heels is always awkward.

So pre-8 a.m. is a good choice for most.

But if you had a bit too much to drink the night before, stumbling 10 blocks from Bobb Hall to Allison Hall might actually sound less appealing than your next econ exam. So if you decide to sleep in, you’re stuck with leaving while swarms of people are filing down Sheridan Road.

Proper clothing must be considered at this point.

Case in point: last Halloween after Phi Delt fright night, a friend of mine woke up at 10 a.m. to the startling realization that her only outfit was a lady bug costume. Even though she only had to walk the few blocks between the Fraternity Quads and Bobb, there are very few ways to conceal a red and black carpet bag in broad daylight. She made her best attempt — squeezing into a fleece jacket — but breakfasters at Lisa’s Cafe were not fooled and eagerly applauded the passing bug. She is now a pre-7 a.m.-er.

So if you sleep in, perhaps your best option at this point is to borrow a sweatshirt and a notebook and tell passers-by that you’re on your way to Spanish. The problem I encountered there is that one guy I hooked up with was 100 pounds heavier than I was. That sweatshirt could’ve clothed me and my roommate at the same time. Y, la gente no son idiotas. They know what you’re trying to cover up.

Thus, I’ve decided that unless you have a car, there aren’t many options for an unembarrassing return. So, if I ever get this chance in the future, I will call my next “shameful” journey home, a Stride of Pride.

I hope the gay pride people don’t already have those copyrights.4

Medill junior Sarah Bailey is the PLAY sex columnist. She can be reached at [email protected].