Anyone who reads the newspaper can tell you we live in a depressing world: There’s a war in Iraq, poverty in Africa and just last week Comcast, my high-speed Internet provider, tried to buy Disney — a distinct portion of my childhood. Execs at Disney rejected the bid, and then, like Ursula in “The Little Mermaid,” turned back and demanded more … much more. M-I-C, K-E-Y — why, because you’re a whore. But you bring up a good point: anything can merge with something without warning. And with that in mind, here’s a list of mergers I’d like to see happen soon.
Paris Hilton and a pile of bricks. Now, that’s a video I’d watch over and over again. “Hi, Paris, you want to get screwed? Just have a seat under that enormous crane.” There, you’re screwed.
The Associated Student Government and The Daily. How hot would that be? You could lock them all in one room and, through deadly attrition, reduce this institution to the window-smashing party school it was meant to be.
Budweiser and the Goodyear Blimp. A drunk pilot is not funny, unless he’s crashing a giant balloon into a football stadium full of fans. I mean, not Hindenburg funny, but “haha” funny. Like “Friends.”
Microsoft and water. Merging with 75 percent of the earth’s surface, Bill Gates could finally compensate for the fact that he cannot hold an erection without staring at an iPod.
McDonald’s and Sbarro. Introducing the all-new Chicken McNugget Stuffed Pizza: seven layers of steamy, ice-cold cheese and “Meat Lovers” fried chicken. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried it and you probably won’t once you have.
AOL and Time Warner. Not that’s anyone’s stupid enough to actually do this, but what if say, two corporate giants decided to destroy the world by imploding into each other? Cool, right?
MTV and a men’s bathroom. That way we could watch crap all the time.
VH1 and a men’s bathroom. That way we could watch MTV all the time.
Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh wait, didn’t we already do that? No, you’re right, they’re completely different. Afghanistan is a hotbed of anti-American fundamentalist activity that we’re trying to convert to a democracy.
Jesus and Vishnu. For the culturally insensitive, Vishnu is the Hindu god with all those crazy arms. Now, think of Jesus with all those crazy arms. Don’t bother, I’ll stop.
