“Oh my God, I am the winner!”

Billy Madison said it when he spelled “couch” correctly in the second grade; I yelled it in Week 3 of Fearless Forecasters when I got my first victory of the season.

Now I’ve won four of the last five weeks and find myself nine games ahead of my foes — er, friends.

(Game off. This is all in good spirit, right? Psscha — this is war. Game on.)

Frankly, I’m a little confused, kids. I hire you to be expert reporters and editors at DAILY Sports. You cover your team week in and week out and learn the tricks of the trade. Meanwhile, I interact with athletes only in my Comm. Studies classes. I don’t even work out.

And yet the only time you’ve beaten me in more than a month is when I let my dad make the picks for me.

Well, this Forecaster has had it. Apparently his staffers need training so they can reclaim ownership of their niche.

Translation: I’m going to teach them to not suck so much.

First I went to Roger Boye, the Medill assistant dean who doesn’t like to brag but has been out-picking Forecasters since Deputy Jim stopped wearing diapers (circa 1997).

Boye noted a 2001 column, in which he suggested that Forecasters: combine oddsmakers’ lines using math (a concept more foreign to Amalie than how most people pronounce her name); fudge for home-field advantage and special games like Homecoming; and always choose Nebraska, Boye’s alma mater.

All good tips, but methinks the problems are more deeply ingrained.

Perhaps Amalie was doomed after her, well, awful performance last year (veteran: also a foreign concept). Andrea tuckered out early and won’t stop betting against the Trojans. And Jim’s still in his training pants — maybe next year.

Meanwhile, here I sit, bored to tears, without a competent challenger in sight. So I’ve gone out on a limb to pick everything they wouldn’t. If I go 2-10 (and I won’t), Andrea would have to go 12-0 to jump ahead of me (and she picked the Bruins, so she won’t).

So you see, dear reader, Forecasters has lost its luster because of these buffoons. But I’m doing my part to put the fun back in it.