Most college sex columnists are females. So for this issue, I thought it was only fair to bring in a perspective you don’t normally get — that of the heterosexual male. Rafe Bartholomew, a Medill junior currently working for Editor and Publisher magazine in New York, corresponded with me via e-mail on topics ranging from phone conversations to sexual relations. Below are the results of our conversation.
On the issue of phone calls:
Rafe Bartholomew: The telephone is obsolete. The true, 10-out-of-10, hot boys who are out there bagging different girls on a near-nightly basis are hooking them on Instant Messenger.
Becky Meiser: I am convinced that IM actually stands for international monstrosity. It is the worst invention — created for people who do not have the social graces to hold a coherent conversation. You spend more time analyzing the tone of the other person’s words and response times than you do listening to each other.
Secondly, have you looked around school recently? People here are more attached to their cell phones than they are to their significant other. Which brings up a whole new realm of issues, e.g. you can’t get away with lying — or stalking. You can’t say “I called” when you didn’t, because we’ll know. We have caller ID. You can’t also deny calling us five times in a row when you did, for the same reason.
RB: Let me get this straight: You denounce Instant Messenger, then you lament the loss of easy lying and stalking due to cell phones? IM is a dishonest stalker’s dream come true. When those away messages go up, they usually tell exactly what Evanston hangout the stalker needs to lurk outside of to “bump into” the stalked. From there tell a lie to start a conversation and enjoy the easy pickings.
On sleeping naked after sex:
RB: This topic needs to be put in perspective. If you’ve just had sex and you’re in the position of deciding whether to sleep naked or in clothes, you’re already a winner. That said, everybody likes to sleep differently. If I fall asleep bare-ass naked with someone, I usually wake up in a couple hours and put something on. My friend said he doesn’t mind sleeping naked because it “makes for easier entry if I want to go again and she fell asleep.”
BM: Not quite sure how to respond to this one … First, perhaps you should invest in some new friends. Perhaps some who are not, um, rapists. Second, in my experience, sleeping naked is not fun. Some people find this sexy; I find it just, well, cold. There’s something seductive, too, about taking off your clothes, rather than just having it all laid out there.
On cheating:
BM: This is an interesting question. In my ex’s mind, even thinking about another person constituted cheating. And since he lived out of state and I was in Evanston, this was a bit of a problem. In my mind, though, physical contact of any sort is considered cheating. Note: I am not talking about touch football here.
RB: I’m more interested in how to deal with cheating once it has occurred. I know a lot of men who say, “If she cheats on me, it’s over. No exceptions.” There’s something admirable about this approach, but I think guys who feel this way are missing out on a unique opportunity. “Deciding” to forgive a girl after she’s cheated can give a man tons of leverage in relationship power politics. Assuming she feels some remorse, the man can guilt-trip her into doing all kinds of things she never would have considered before her mistake.
Sex and emotional attachment:
BM: The two are intricately related — kind of like carbonation and soda.
RB: The only way you’ll get me attached to some coochie is with a bear trap. nyou
