Penile code

Valentine’s Day is God’s gift to virgins. The night requires zero effort: The chocolate is pre-packaged, the flowers can be delivered and Evanston is, after all, the dining capitol of the North Shore. But these simple rituals can result in more action than you’ve seen in a Jerry Bruckheimer film.

For the bedroom-oriented, I’m sure you are aware that tomorrow is the second most likely day, right behind prom, for you to get laid. (Note: this statistic is based purely on logic and no other studies, though I’m sure if there was one, it would prove me right).

Tomorrow, see, is also the second most likely day, after prom, for your penis to suddenly stop functioning properly (Note: see above note).

Valentine’s Day, unlike other national holidays — like, say, President’s Day — comes with its own set of expectations. The pressure to impress a girl with your sexual prowess, especially if it’s your first time together, coupled with the excess of wine or alcohol that is normally consumed on this joyous event, can leave you flaccid and limp.

Call it performance anxiety, call it depression or call it deflation. It’s like you dream for years about a silver Ferrari F-50, you finally get it, and then you die of a heart attack before you even have the chance to take it for a test drive. This is a rather drastic analogy, but for guys who have experienced this, I am told it is actually rather accurate. Hmmm.

While this is devastating for you, it is also disappointing for us. There is a certain pride we take in your erection. OK, now before you go whipping yourself up into a rage, we are aware that your erection is yours and yours alone, that it is created by you and you alone, maintained by you, guided by you — but even Da Vinci had his muse. And we take pride in its sustenance, its firmness, its sheer beauty.

So when you can’t get it up, we’re not thinking, “What’s wrong with you?” We’re thinking, “What’s wrong with us?” Where have we failed? Was it that last piece of cheesecake that did it? Do you think our boobs are too small? (I don’t lie; this is really what goes through our heads.)

Now, normally in other sorts of stress-inducing instances, well-meaning people will tell you the way to get through this is to picture the other person in their underwear. But since, in this case, you both are already in your underwear, and probably not much else, this advice likely will not help so much.

In this instance, I would advise you to leave the room and come back to the problem later. In the meantime, there are some classics on TV. For instance, the Cartoon Network is showing the amazing movie “It’s Valentine’s Day, Johnny Bravo,” and VH1 has a special on celebrity breakups.

But guys, if after all this you are still unable to get it up, and the girl ditches you, then really, how good a person was she anyway?

And girls, console yourselves. I’ve heard it said that the more the guy likes you, the more likely he is not to be able to get it up.

If none of those options work, comfort yourselves with the thought that you are at Northwestern, and really — how many people do you know who are getting laid?

There, feel better now?

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Becky Meiser doesn’t believe her guy friends who claim this has never happened to them. She can be reached at [email protected].