I’ve made a lot of people upset this quarter, and I want to let you know that I’m really, truly sorry. The reason I wrote columns is because I believe in change. I wanted to make the world a better place.
But being a Northwestern student, I quickly grew apathetic. So many things about NU needed fixing, and I was too overwhelmed to try to come up with any real answers. Instead, I hid behind a wall of hatred and cheap humor.
Then I remembered the Sept. 11 attacks. On that fateful day, America changed forever. We all came closer together, both as Americans and human beings. It dawned on me: This is what NU needs!
A University of Chicago student has to hijack a plane and crash it into the Technological Institute. Death and destruction would be unavoidable. But the campus will come together in ways we never had before. Our sense of community will be restored. Alumni donations will pour in, and we will build a bigger, better tech building to show those terrorists that no one can keep NU down!
NU will rapidly mobilize and fortify. We’ll start with a nice thick layer of steel plating on the Rebecca Crown Center. I, for one, would definitely feel safer. Once the alumni donations start coming in, we’ll add some turrets. The centerpiece of the new fortress will be a giant robotic Henry Beinen head on top of the clock tower. The head will rotate and shoot laser beams from its eyes to take down any approaching planes or foreigners. Then a sound system will be installed so that the head can speak advertisements, bringing income and ensuring our economy remains stable.
But military fortification and administrative policy alone will not stop the terrorists: The terrorists could be living among us. We’ll need to set up a tip hotline, so students can report potential infiltrators and spies. When a student has a roommate who studies too much, doesn’t join the Greek system or is the wrong color, all they’ll have to do is pick up the phone.
To handle all of the calls, we’ll need to form a new branch of the administration specfically to combat terrorism. And we’ll need to appoint someone to head it. I suggest Bill Banis. He has practice at being a stooge — and will not contest the orders from the Board of Trustees and F
