After my column last week, I received a plethora of angry letters brow-beating me for my supposed insult to fraternities. I feel absolutely terrible and it’s time to set the record straight. Fraternities and Sororities take a lot of abuse from the Northwestern community, but I have nothing but the utmost respect for NU’s Greek community. Because of the trouble I have caused, I feel it is my duty to dispel the rumors, lies, and half-truths surrounding the System.
Everyone thinks that frat boys are just a bunch of drunken misogynists cruising for poon-tang. In reality, they are model citizens — pillars of morality at an institution ripe with pagan debauchery. Everything about frat parties, from the pelvic grinding to the safe full of syringes and Rohypnol, is clean, wholesome fun. And the cheap beer teaches a valuable lesson: Even though we’re all rich college pricks, thriftiness is still an important virtue.
Sororities are just as great. Everyone knows that sorority girls are the hottest girls on campus. They’re so popular too, and way friendly and not bitches at all. And the T-shirts they make for Rush are so original and poignant! I smile every time I see a corporate logo brilliantly altered on a sorority T-shirt. “Delta Yogurt Bulimia: The choice of a new generation.” And this masterful grasp of the post-modern aesthetic shows they’re also the smartest people on campus.
Sororities only hang out with frat guys because, believe me, frat guys are dynamite in the sack. They always shove their tongues down my throat and it gets me really hot. But not nearly as hot as when they puke all over me and pass out. And what gets me even hotter is when they give me gonorrhea and genital warts. And what they say about people who drive fast cars isn’t true AT ALL. Damn.
People say frats choose members based on their income, how well they dress, and the size of their pectorals. Come on. It’s just that most of you “independents” are too busy being Marxists and worshipping Satan to see this is a blatant lie. Frats chose members based on ephemeral personal qualities, like what position they played on the football team, the thickness of their neck, and how far they can send a woman when they punch her in the face.
People tell lies about frats all the time. Like those hippies at NYU, who had the audacity to write a book called “Fraternity Gang Rape,” which claimed that fraternities gang raped people.
And those communists at The Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, who published a study that said 47.6 percent of sexual assaults at a “large Midwestern university” were perpetrated by the 25 percent of the campus that were members of fraternities. All these studies are by feminazis bankrolled by Fidel Castro and the Illuminati. They know that fraternity guys are totally awesome, and they want to bring them down. But I’m not falling for it!
I was in the System for a month (the greatest month of my life), but then I realized that I didn’t have what it takes to carry on the Dream with the necessary level of commitment and discipline. But I am still happy that all NU’s Greek brothers and sisters are here to fearlessly guide humanity through the 21st century.
Mike Sherman is a Communication senior. He can be reached at [email protected].
