With graduation less than one month away, Northwestern has not lined up a commencement speaker for the ceremony at Ryan Field.
“We are actively pursuing a keynote speaker through high university officials and members of the board of trustees,” said William Banis, interim vice president of student affairs. “I don’t think we have a commitment.”
Will NU nab a real smart person like last year’s speaker, former U.S. poet laureate Robert Pinsky? Or will we get to hear someone way cooler, like Jon Bon Jovi, who gave the commencement address Wednesday at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, N.J.?
Grasping at straws in a floundering interview, I asked Banis for any kind of hint. “Our commencement speaker is typically drawn from a group of individuals who will receive honorary doctorate degrees,” he said. “Continue grasping.”
Sounds like we are getting someone smart. But just in case this mystery person falls through, a la Madeleine Albright a couple of years ago, I have compiled my own list of capable backups to step up to the podium in a pinch:
_Ѣ Gary Barnett: The former NU football coach said he would be glad to give commencement speeches for the next 10 years. But then Notre Dame called. Then Texas. Then UCLA. Then he got a better offer from Colorado. Maybe we could just see who Miami of Ohio has speaking.
_Ѣ Ken Bode: The soon-to-be ex-Medill dean demanded the format be switched so that he could interview himself.
_Ѣ Any good Medill print professor: Oh, wait. Almost all of them have left or been fired in the past four years.
_Ѣ Kevin O’Neill: The potty-mouthed, ex-NU basketball coach has plenty of time now that his new employers, the New York Knicks, are out of the playoffs. The only drawback is that his speech would have to be broadcast on a seven-second tape delay to bleep out the inevitable curse words.
_Ѣ Dave Matthews Band: A&O Productions promises that if it gets just a little more funding, DMB could be rocking Ryan Field come mid-June.
_Ѣ Smut Lord Adam Grayson: This Medill senior is pretty damn funny. If unwilling, maybe he could use his porn connections to bring Jenna Jameson or Tawny Peaks to graduation. Or to my apartment.
_Ѣ Evil Dave Sheldon: The former Associated Student Government prez always knew how to put on a good show, like the time he smashed a garbage can over the head of Smut Lord Adam Grayson during a presidential debate.
_Ѣ Sherman from Burger King: No joke here. The way things are looking, he may be my boss.
_Ѣ Beauty pageant winners: I’ve seen three Misses Illinois and one Miss America walking around campus in my last four years. Just think how many wishes for world peace that adds up to.
_Ѣ David Horowitz and Matt Hale: Just imagine the Forum page. It would be filled with letters for weeks.
Those who didn’t make the cut: Sketchy Dave, the “We Fix Bikes” guy and Supreme Court Associate Justice John Paul Stevens (an NU grad). My last bit of advice to grads: Bypass the pre-graduation tailgate with Peggy Barr. If you show up late, you may lose your seats to early-arriving Evanston retirees.
