In many ways, Atticus, Bartholomew and Jake fit the profile of a stereotypical McCormick student. They’re quiet, cold and unassuming, isolated from the rest of campus.

But they aren’t McCormick students at all — they’re McCormick water fountains.

In a bit of Technological Institute lore that ranks just below the mythical sub-basement river, every Tech water fountain inspected by The Daily had a name tag stuck to its underside.

On the ground floor, side-by-side fountains reunite Mork and Mindy, Jack and Jill, and Sonny and Cher.

“It’s representative of the sexual frustration of (Tech),” said Juanita Hung, a McCormick senior. ” They named our bubblers after couples. What does that say about how little dating goes on at this school?”

The first floor features fewer swingers, with Atticus et al sharing floor space with a re-teamed Hans and Franz. Madonna strikes a pose on the second floor, along with Raoul, Thor, Laverne and Shirley.

Curious about fountains on floor three? Go ask Alice. Or Martha, or twins Gary and Jerry. And the fourth floor’s wild reputation — it boasts, after all, the Tech faculty dining room — is confirmed by its fountains, Babs and Kiki.

Water fountain patron Julia Lin said the fountains should be featured on campus tours.

“It gives the place more character,” said Lin, a McCormick senior. “It’s like the writing in the bathroom.”

Karen Effinger discovered the names during Summer Session when a friend dropped something near a fountain.

“I think it’s kinda funny,” said Effinger, a Weinberg junior. “It’s creative — somebody who was obviously bored had a good time.”

Effinger didn’t hesitate to name her favorite fountain.

“I like Madonna,” she said. “It’s got some spunk.”