I would never want to be a nude dancer.

And no, this opinion isn’t based on Elizabeth Berkley’s far from Oscar-worthy performance in “Showgirls.”

My perspective does, however, stem from a more recent occurrence than Berkley’s grade-B movie performance. Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that nude dancing deserves only limited freedom-of-expression protection under the Constitution. Conduct such as nude dancing, wrote the majority opinion, can have “negative secondary effects,” such as increased crime and prostitution in nearby areas. The Supreme Court’s decision upheld an Erie, Pa., ordinance that requires dancers to wear a minimal amount of clothing to combat such “secondary effects.”

And we women thought pasties and a G-string were only useful as undergarments beneath formal wear. Now, they fight crime too!

Perhaps I’d tend more toward this comedic side if the ruling did not pose such a severe threat to the principles of freedom of expression. However, it does.

First, consider the reasoning behind the decision: that nude dancing leads to an increased likelihood of crime and prostitution in the area surrounding the adult entertainment clubs. Now, examine the logic used in this judgment: that G-strings and pasties will prevent the crime and prostitution from running rampant throughout Erie or any other town abiding by this law.

The Supreme Court’s decision did not explicitly state that flimsy cover-ups would stop crime. But the majority opinion, written by Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, implied it. Still, O’Connor contends that the ruling “regulates conduct, not speech.”

I don’t know what is more disturbing: that the court argues it isn’t cutting expression, or that it suggests that some unsubstantial underwear will somehow lower the likelihood of crime.

Are not the principles of free speech being threatened by this decision? Nowhere in the ruling is there a contrast drawn between nude dancing at an adult establishment and nude dancing in a theatrical performance. To put an image to the argument: a young blonde dancing topless on stage in an adult club to earn a few dollars? No more — not without pasties. And what about the young, blonde Gwyneth Paltrow on stage, topless in “Shakespeare in Love”? No way — bring on the pasties. Erie’s regulation now allows the government to restrict both blondes in the name of fighting crime.

I’ll admit the possibility that nude clubs may have a correlative link to criminal behavior in some instances. But couldn’t bars, movie theaters and the like have a similar impact on patrons? This correlation-without-causation contention is not enough to limit expression.

If the officials in Erie, or those who sit atop the highest court in our country, think that strategically placed cover-ups will have an impact in combating the “secondary effects” of crime and prostitution near adult establishments, then perhaps their G-strings are on too tight.

In the meantime, dance naked. Just don’t invite me.

Unless you’ve got some pasties to spare.