To be honest, I don’t really watch porn. I’ve seen it, of course, but I’m basically content with using my imagination when I have the urge to get myself off. I have nothing against porn — in fact, I think it’s totally normal and healthy and should be embraced rather than shamed — but it’s just not something that I ever felt I needed, so I never put the effort in to actively, regularly watch it. Since I felt in the dark about it, I decided I would do a little research and choose five categories of porn to watch and review from the perspective of a “newcomer.” My roommates graciously offered to help, so we gathered around my laptop to surf PornHub, and boy, did we find some gems. It’s also worth noting that my laptop died while we were watching, and guess who forgot about that when she opened her laptop in class the next morning? (It was me.) I guess that’s just one of the many occupational hazards of being a sex columnist. Hopefully my pain is your gain, though.

Party

The first category we clicked on was exactly what it advertised: a bunch of young people at a party who then casually began to blow/have sex with each other after a couple minutes. It was sort of a weird, youthful twist on exhibitionism/voyeurism — which both can definitely be sexy — but ultimately I found this particular porno unappealing. The three starring girls started off by filming themselves in the bathroom mirror, giggling and showing off their underwear before they rejoined the party. That was cringe-worthy enough in itself, but then it just got worse when the real action started. Also, the film ended before anyone had even cum. What, may I ask, is the point of that? One highlight, though: An awkward moment when, between shots of guys getting head, the camera panned to a guy casually chilling on the couch while people hooked up on either side of him. No one wants to be that guy.

Celebrity

To date, I have seen two celebrity sex tapes. The first was obviously Kim Kardashian and Ray J’s legendary masterpiece, and the second was of that horrible, vapid sack from “Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham. Both were appalling, though at least Kim is pretty much a classy bitch so I could sort of deal with it when Ray J kept grunting and biting his lip. On the other hand, Farrah’s signature whiny voice almost drove me to my breaking point, as did the fact that she still alleges it was a “leaked sex tape,” not a porno, even though it clearly starred iconic male porn star James Deen.  Highlight from Kim and Ray J: seeing Kim K.’s ass — damn, girl. Highlight from Farrah: me wondering where her toddler was when this was being filmed.

Fetish

Personally, I don’t have any fetishes (that I know of). However, I had heard of “looners,” or people who are turned on by balloons, so I decided to check out a video I found of a girl humping some various inflatables, such as a dolphin, a dragon and a blow-up person. All in all, not arousing, but solidly entertaining for someone who isn’t into balloons. The best part was the fact that she was wearing a silver leotard and pink tights, and kept saying things like, “This balloon feels so good on my p—y.” I must admit I was worried she would hump too vigorously and pop these giant balloons; lo and behold, when she did pop one (on purpose, though) the noise scared the s–t out of me. Highlight: When she was not engaging with a balloon as a medium, but rather just lounging on a pool raft while masturbating.

Character/Animated

Instead of delving into a genre of animated porn that many people are extremely into (i.e. hentai), I decided to take a less traditional approach to “animated porn.” Out of curiosity (and because I’m totally perverted), I looked up “Frozen” porn because I was sure someone out there had thought of that. I was not disappointed, though I was definitely traumatized. It was only about 20 seconds long, and featured a poorly imitated animation of Elsa and Anna blowing some guy at the same time (I’m not sure which guy because — gasp! — I haven’t actually seen “Frozen”). Highlight: Anna getting absolutely railed from behind by a snowman that looked nothing like Olaf but was definitely supposed to be Olaf. Shudder.

Uniform/Roleplay

The last porno I checked out featured two really dumb, blonde nursing students who had just failed an exam. Naturally, their next move was to seduce the hot doctor in charge of the grading. The dialogue was near impossible to endure, but at least their male counterpart was pretty easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, things were just getting steamy (Highlight: when they were both fighting over who got to lick his still-mostly-flaccid penis more) when my laptop died. I guess I’ll never know how things, uh, finished. In general though, porn featuring costumes or roleplay can be interesting to watch to get ideas for your own sex life. Investing in a French maid costume, for example, can be a good first step to delving into a kinkier side of yourself if roleplay is something you want to experiment with. Uniforms or costumes are a low-intensity way of spicing things up without getting too crazy at first!

After all my research, I’m inspired to watch more porn, if only out of curiosity. I’m still pretty sure I’m too lazy to use it to masturbate, but if any of my future partners want to watch it together, I’m totally down.

Until next time, stay safe and stay sexy! 

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Twitter: @lakenisahorcrux