Greetings, culture lovers!

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and if you’re single, with only a romance novel and chocolate for company, commence with the tears.

But don’t despair just yet! The Steam Press is prepared to set you up with a hunky (fictional) man, so take this quiz and find out which sexy literary character you’re destined to spend time with this Valentine’s Day.

Question #1: You think Valentine’s Day is…

a) A romantic celebration of love and passion.

b) A waste of time.

c) The perfect excuse for hot, hot sex.

d) Uncomfortable. Let’s not talk about our feelings.

Question #2: The perfect V-Day gift is…

a) A dozen red roses, chocolates, the works.

b) A string of pearls.

c) Handcuffs.

d) A book. An educational book.

Question #3: The ideal date would consist of…

a) Candlelit dinner followed by stargazing.

b) Elaborate mind games.

c) I don’t do dates.

d) A long walk in the park.

Question #4: Sex position?

a) Missionary

b) Doggy style

c) All of them

d) Oral

Question #5: Your excuse for being alone this Valentine’s Day?

a) I just went through a horrible break-up.

b) I could be with someone if I wanted to.

c) I’m impossible to love.

d) My standards are too high.

Mostly A’s: Romeo

A hopeless romantic, you deserve to spend this special day with someone equally idealistic and impulsive. When not serenading you with sonnets — “My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand / To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss,” Romeo will make you feel adored this Valentine’s Day.

Mostly B’s: Mr. Rochester

Maybe you’ve had a rough day, week, lifetime. But Charlotte Bronte’s original bad boy can commiserate. Although rough around the edges, his passionate nature can handle even your worst mood swings on Single Awareness Day. After all, who wouldn’t want to be told, “Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own”?

Mostly C’s: Christian Grey

Forget romance and relationships. This Valentine’s Day, you’re only looking for a good time. And who better to show it to you than the sex god himself, Christian Grey? Prepared to be dominated.

Mostly D’s: Mr. Darcy

D is for Darcy, dashing, debonair Darcy. Maybe you’re shy, maybe you’re awkward, the world will never know. But there is only one who must admit how much he admires and loves you. This V-Day will bring plenty of scintillating conversation and snarky asides.

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