Pillow Talk: Sexcapade resorts


Laken Howard, Columnist

It’s no secret that I like to have sex. What might surprise you, however, is the relatively small number of places I’ve done the deed. I’m not opposed to a little adventure but I suppose it just hasn’t been in the cards for me yet to have sex in a super interesting and noteworthy place. (Seriously, I’ve never even had sex in a shower. A shower!) For your reading pleasure, I’ll rank all the places I’ve had sex so you can see just how boring I am in this regard.

#1: A Bed

Wow, imagine that. The best place I’ve had sex was in a f—ing bed. Well, technically I’ve had sex in lots of beds, but that’s beside the point. My queen-sized, luxuriously comfy bed is the best — my bottom bitch if you will. Before I was blessed with the Ability To Live In An Apartment And Buy A Huge Bed, I had a love/hate relationship with the XL twin beds in my dorm rooms. On one hand, what choice did I have? Gotta smang it. On the other hand, did I like only doing it in missionary? Did I like having to measure my male guests to make sure they physically could fit in my bed? (No.)

#2: A Couch

Damn! A couch! The holy grail of places to have sex! A magical land of discomfort and awkward positioning and overall terribleness! Until I find a man with an enormous leather sectional that is heated and also massages you, I’ll pass on doing it on the couch.

#3: The NU Sailing Tower Thing

I guess technically this is an “interesting” place to have sex, but that doesn’t make it comfortable. I was lying on a towel and it was dark and moist and weird and just… no. Also don’t ask how I got in there late at night because I don’t even know. Don’t sue me, NU.

#4: A Nissan Xterra 

No joke, the one and only time I had sex in a car was when I lost my virginity back in the day. Needless to say, not comfortable or sexy in the least. Maybe someday I can make up for it by having sex in a limo like I’m Blair Waldorf or something. Except it won’t be as fun since I won’t be f—ing Chuck Bass.

So there you have it. I’m pretty damn sure those are the only four places I’ve done the nasty. Someone please feel free to blow my mind with any of the following cool places in the future: the floor, a hotel, the outdoors, a shower, a kitchen countertop, a desk or LITERALLY ANYWHERE. I hope for your sake your list of cool places you’ve banged is much longer than mine.

Until next time, stay safe and stay sexy, Current readers!

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