Last week, the daily sex columnist, Tonya Starr, wrote a review (“Between the sheets: High-budget porn goes overboard”) of the famously “sexpensive” porno, Pirates XXX. After a discussion with Ms. Starr, not only do I disagree with her claims that plot does not matter, but I also believe that gender differences may be at the crux of it. the daily allowed me to step in as a guest writer for the week in defense of my side of the story.
My excitement at the scholarly mention of porn quickly fell limp upon reading that according to Tonya, the film is more critically acclaimed than it is clitorally. One of her greatest criticisms of the sexed-up Pirates of the Caribbean movie was the plotline. She said she would ditch the high quality porno for straight-up porn, recommending generic websites such as RedTube.com. The author noted perhaps if James Cameron produced a porno, it would actually be engaging.
The way I see it, when pornstars get down and dirty into sex, it normally follows an unrealistic model of what sex is like: little foreplay, tons of oral action, upward of 10 different sex positions, then perhaps some more oral and the icing on top of the cake, a spectacular cumshot. But let’s face it: how often does reverse cowgirl really happen? When was the last time you walked in on your girlfriend only to find her fondling herself and lusting over the gentle curve of your, uh, smile? And therein lays a monster-sized problem with porn: it isn’t realistic enough. How, then, does it manage to entice so many viewers?
Although we don’t consciously realize it, I believe the key is in the first three minutes (assuming a 20-minute scene). When men watch porn, their minds constantly flit between what they see on the screen and what they see in real life. Viewers subconsciously compare pornstars to people they know, and in the back of their minds, ask themselves, “What if this actually happened to me?”
I will admit, most viewers are not pirates trying to multipurpose their vessels. But there is something to be said for the fact that Keira Knightley is really hot, and horny teenagers like to imagine the possibilities. Having a compelling storyline, however cheesy it is, helps to aid the mind.
To test this scientifically, I surveyed three popular porn websites (PornHub.com, RedTube.com and Youjizz.com) to see just how key having a plotline was to a porno’s success. The results were mind-blowing. Nearly 60 percent of the videos in the highest-rated sections featured a plotline and development.
I therefore stand in defense of Pirates XXX. Yes, it’s a cheesy storyline. Yes, the costumes are a bit gaudy. And yes, as Ms. Starr said, porn is porn. That’s the whole point. When porn is just porn, things get boring. It’s about time someone spiced up the adult industry.
This is not to say my perspective is the universal male argument, but it’s just what I know from being a guy and talking to other males about it. I’m sure there are women who feel the same way about porn, and many males and females who agree with our regular columnist. For the record, Ms. Starr, you may be in luck: Hustler recently came out with a 3-D porno, This Ain’t Avatar XXX. Mr. Cameron isn’t behind it, but the 3-D is great. It really makes it come to life.
