I’ve decided to rip off Gail Collins and Nicholas Kristof of The New York Times for my final column. Since I’m known across campus as the authoritative source on all things Northwestern, I will be evaluating your knowledge of this past year at NU with an interdisciplinary final exam. For you pre-professional drones in McCormick and Weinberg, please remember that this will determine 80 percent of your grade, 90 percent of your lifetime earnings potential and 100 percent of yours parents’ love for you. But if you’re a humanities major, don’t worry; the take-home essay isn’t due till June 9. Those of you in the School of Comm will be making speeches (or, if you’re a Theater major, doing interpretive dances) about the subject matter next Friday. SESP students are required to prepare a four-page paper explaining how these answers reinforce existing socioeconomic inequalities. And journalism students – whatever you do, please do not misrepresent anything I say here … this is not a social justice issue. Finally, I can arrange for the highest-scoring Bienen kid to play at Carnegie Hall. You may now begin.
1. What was our basketball record this year?
a) 17-17
b) 20-14
c) 15-19
d) Does it matter? The tournament drought lives on. As college sports recruiting website Rivals.com has said, “You can’t spell ‘nuh-uh’ without NU.” In fairness though, we got really close and will probably make it next year, or the one after.
2. What bowl game did the football team play in this year?
a) The Godaddy.com Bowl
b) The galleryfurniture.com Bowl
c) The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
d) The TicketCity Bowl
3. Next winter, Human Sex will be:
a) Offered as usual
b) Taught by Morty
c) Improved, with weekly, er, “demonstrations” at the Rock, open to the public.
d) Removed entirely
4. This has been a pretty scandalous year for NU. Which of these was NOT a Gawker headline?
a) Epic Rager at Northwestern: Drunks ‘Hollering About Bl** J*bs’ Frighten Children
b) Hard-partying Northwestern Students thwarted by “Brothel Law”
c) Chet Haze Reveals His Artistic Process
d) America’s Greatest University Demonstrates ‘F*cksaw’ For Captivated Students
e) Trick question, they were all headlines.
5. When Ellery greets you and swipes your card at Allison’s cafeteria for dinner, what does she say, and where does her catchphrase come from?
a) “Hey HEY hey” (Emphasis hers) from the late-70’s sitcom “What’s Happening!” which chronicled the misadventures of a group of teens in Watts in Los Angeles
b)”How you doin.” A la Tony Soprano
c) “Wassup.” from that Super Bowl commercial like 10 years ago
d) “Welcome to the Jungle.” from that song by Guns ‘n’ Roses
6. Which of these cafeterias has Nutella available much of the day?
a) Sargent
b) Allison
c) Hinman
d) b and c
7.Who or what do Northwestern students universally despise?
a) Overly preachy Daily columnists (just kidding, no one is reading this anyway)
b) The weather
c) CAs who take themselves too seriously, self aggrandize relentlessly and enjoy making other people’s lives more difficult for brief periods of time.
d) All of the above
8. This year, the Living Wage Campaign…
a)Totally convinced Morty of the error of his ways
b) Started an argument with Morty about workers’ pay … at a Political Union debate about the future of Liberal-Arts education.
c) Stayed active and enthusiastic but failed to produce a groundswell of support amongst students and administrators
d) Got a world-renowned economist to speak at NU and endorse their plan.
9. One prominent member of the NU community tweeted that “It feels good to be up early today and it feels good knowing that Bin Ladens crazy ass is dead #straightup” Who was it?
a) Dan Persa
b) Isaac Hasson
c) Chet Haze
d) Claire Lew
10. Associate Provost for University Enrollment Michael Mills declared earlier this year that “this will enhance our reputation in a pretty powerful way.” What was he talking about?
a) Fitz’s new contract, which ties him to NU until 2020
b) Dan Persa’s decision to come back next season
c)Our all-time low admit rate, which stands now at just 23 percent
d) Econ Prof. Dale Mortenson’s Nobel Prize victory.
Key:
1 – B and D
2 – D. If we make the Rose Bowl while I’m still here, I will run through Norris wearing Borat’s bathing suit.
3 – D. We can pray for B, though!
4 – E. The slogan for cable channel TNT is “We know drama.” If they ever give up the trademark on that though, we should snag it ASAP.
5 –A. She also yells “we cloooooooooooooooosed” on Friday afternoons like a Mexican soccer commentator shouts “gooooooooooaaaaaaaaal”
6 – D. Is it any wonder that those two dorms were among the first to fill up for next year?
7 – D. I wore my parka yesterday…
8 –B and C, but D would have made the most sense.
9 – C. Easily could’ve been B though.
10 – C. All about that Ivy envy.
Michael Kurtz is a Weinberg sophomore. He can be reached at [email protected].
