For me, Halloween costumes are easy, because I just wear Olden Polynice’s 1999-2000 Utah Jazz warmup jersey that I bought on eBay for 34 bucks last year with a pair of fake Jordans and a headband. You see, easy.

But I understand the stress it causes those of you who don’t own items of clothing that were never worn by pivotal bench players from late 90’s NBA title contenders. Halloween is a key moment in a college student’s life, and if it’s Wednesday, most Halloween parties are Saturday, and if you still have no ideas, you’re probably not going to come up with anything good and then you’ll never have friends.

So here are a few concepts I’ve created related to NU sports, which you can wear if you don’t want to be unpopular forever.

The Indiana Hoosier: A Hoosier is just somebody from Indiana, and the Indiana Hoosiers play NU on Saturday, and will likely get beaten really badly because they have just about the worst defense in the Big Ten and have a running game even worse than Northwestern’s. Throw on a Peyton Manning or Reggie Miller jersey and give yourself a black eye. Topical! (Note: do not do this if you are a girl, because people will think you’re trying to make a poignant yet poorly timed statement about domestic abuse).

Kyle Rowley: You know how if you accidentally knock over a beer at a party, somebody will go “party foul!” This isn’t really a costume, just show up at a party and commit as many party fouls as possible in under 20 minutes of playing time. You might as well commit a party traveling violation or a party 3-second violation while you’re at it (Note: Burgwell Howard would like to take a moment to remind the vast majority of NU students not to dress up as Kyle Rowley this year).

Hunter Bates: So it’s 15 minutes before you head out on Saturday night, and you’ve got nothing. You look through your closet and the most costume-y thing you have is a pair of knee-high socks, which I guess you could sort of spin into “1970’s basketball player from NBA Street Vol. 2,” but that’s stretching it, and would be a terrible costume in the grand scheme of things. But wait! Your friend from down the hall has that one NU football jersey that they told their parents not to buy but they did anyway! What number is it? Seven? Dan Persa? No, you’re too alternative to do that. Anybody could slap on the jersey of their team’s starting quarterbacks. But only a true chill bro like you could pull off dressing up as your team’s backup safety and occasional punt returner. See? With just a little creativity, you were able to turn a potential disaster into a – wait, no. You’re dressed up as a backup safety. This is a terrible idea. Sorry, Hunter Bates, I have decided you do not make a compelling Halloween costume.

Coach Fitz: Throw on some shades, an NU sweatshirt, and keep your hand clenched in a fist pump for the entire evening. Do not smile. Pat Fitzgerald does not smile. If your friends do things that you do not like, strike fear into their hearts with your yelling.

So, there are four sick ideas for your Halloween costume. In retrospect, you probably shouldn’t do any of these things.

Deputy sports editor Rodger Sherman is a Medill junior. He can be reached at [email protected]