Ah Valentine’s Day. The one day a year you guys are officially obligated to buy your girlfriends flowers, chocolates, and cornier-than-hell cards with puppies and kittens snuggling up next to one another on a heart-shaped pillow-let’s all thank Hallmark for their immense originality. But, in return you men can generally be guaranteed to get some… well, you know. Maybe Jeremih should come out with a remix called “Valentine’s Day Sex,” or “Valentine’s Day Oral.” Or maybe no one should ever take advice from me regarding their rap career.
On this day that belittles single people’s love lives, I find it quite ironic that girls swoon over how thoughtful their boyfriends are. They get a dozen red roses and suddenly they think they’re dating Romeo. Men get to feel like boyfriend of the century for being completely unoriginal and for pandering to a holiday that essentially forces them to act semi-romantic out of fear of being called a bad boyfriend. Maybe some of you guys should shake things up a bit and think outside the box when it comes to getting your girl a gift for Valentine’s Day-and I’m not suggesting that your dick in a box would suffice as creative and/or original. Here are some ideas to melt your girl’s heart (who may just repay you with some of those naughty new moves she picked up from the latest issue of Cosmo).
1. Something homemade. Whether it’s a card or a poem or a giant painting of you naked on a bearskin rug, anything made by you for your girlfriend will undeniably get you on her good side. Creativity earns major brownie points when it comes to predetermined days of romance. It’ll show her that you don’t want to be just another one of those guys standing at the door with a bouquet of roses and a heart-shaped box full of chocolates; what a surprise that would be.
2. Couples’ massages. There’s nothing better than stripping down and getting rubbed-well, there are a few things I could name but let’s not go there quite yet. Why not go to a nearby spa and ask if they can do a couples’ massage in which you and your girl are simultaneously kneaded as you lay side-by-side. I guarantee that every girl would be ecstatic to receive a massage, especially when she’s receiving one right next to her man. The only thing better would be for you to grab the baby oil and do it yourself, but unless you’re a professional masseuse and/or afraid of setting yourself on fire like Taj from Van Wilder, a spa might be your best bet.
3. A trip. I’m not saying that you guys need to go out and buy two roundtrip tickets to Paris to impress your woman, but there are plenty of fun local locations that would spice up any Valentine’s Day date. You could even get a hotel room right in downtown Chicago or at Hotel Orrington-the point is that you get away from your roommates and friends for the night and spend some quality time together; chances are she’ll be a lot less inhibited in the bedroom if she’s not worrying about waking up her roommates and neighbors.
4. Tickets. Is your girl a music lover? Get two tickets to one of her favorite band’s shows and prepare yourself for a seriously happy valentine. Maybe your partner likes going to museums as much as I do. The best gift I’ve ever received from a man were two City Passes to all the museums in Chicago. Getting tickets to something that your girlfriend has been begging you to go with her to allows for a Valentine’s Day memory, rather than just a gift. It gives you both the opportunity to spend a day or weekend doing something completely unique and out-of-the-ordinary, which I’m sure will allow you for some generous thank-you lovin.’
At this point, I probably should mention that there are some girls out there that are all about how much a gift costs. I am not one of these girls and I therefore cannot attest to what they are expecting from you for Valentine’s Day, but I venture to guess that they tend to like very expensive jewelry and dinner at fancy places whose name you can barely pronounce and that won’t let you in if you’re wearing sneakers. To those of you dating one of these girls, good luck to you and to your wallet.
No matter what you decide to get your partner for Valentine’s Day, the point of this article is to stress the importance of originality on a completely unoriginal day. Every girl can expect flowers or candy from her date, but surprising her with a gift that interests her will demonstrate that you’ve actually been paying attention to what she’s been saying instead of just thinking about her naked-yahoo for multitasking. Furthermore, flowers and chocolates don’t need to be given out only on Valentine’s Day… showing up on a random Tuesday with a card or flowers “just because” will also get you in good with your girl
Although I am writing this to the male readers, the same suggestions apply for you females, too. Guys want to be spoiled just as much as we do (even though they may not admit it) and romantic gestures-like cooking a homemade meal or slipping a naughty note into his coat for him to find later-should not be left only to men. To all of you, it’s the thought that counts when it comes to giving out gifts, and should you get your girlfriend a completely unique and original gift for Valentine’s Day, I can guess that her gift will be just as thoughtful, and quite possibly a little more oral.
