How long did it take you to learn to walk backwards?” I’m thinking, “It’s really not that difficult, idiot.” But I flash a smile, laugh, and dish out the canned response. “Not too long. But sometimes I still trip on curbs and small woodland creatures.” They think I’m clever, and we continue on our tour.
These interactions occurred frequently during my short-lived career as a Northwestern tour guide. The summer job turned out to be more fun than I ever expected. After each tour, the guides sprinted into the office to exchange hilarious anecdotes. We talked about the alumni who corrected us, the younger siblings who looked tortured, and the kids who sucked up to us, as if we had any sway in their admittance.
My favorite part was the ridiculous questions – the kind that required a canned response, while my innards were itching to blurt out the opposite. As a tour guide, you are essentially a salesperson, so you give the politically correct, positively spun response. This is obviously the best way to get kids excited about NU, but just once, I wish I could give a real tour. No white lies, no exaggerations and no walking backwards. Here’s what I would say:
“You must have a TON of school spirit!” We go to football games, but only because we get free tickets. We sing the fight song, but only because they print the words on the back of our shirts. We wear NU gear, but only because we might spot another Wildcat at O’Hare who wants to share a cab. The fact that I have painted myself purple on more than one occasion puts me in the minority.
“Evanston’s pretty safe, right?” As long as you are in the purple bubble, NUPD is an army of guardian angels. But the minute you cross the El tracks, make sure your pepper spray is handy. Muggings, molestations, and break-ins are an all too common occurrence and will probably happen to you or a close acquaintance at least once during your time here. Don’t let this deter your application, but make sure you pack your can-o-Mace.
“Will my son find a girlfriend here?” The fact that you just asked me that makes me seriously doubt it. However, it’s not impossible. Will she be “normal”? Probably not. Will it happen right away, or last more than a couple of months? Not likely. But if he gets involved in a student group, asks girls on dates, and presents himself with slight social normalness, he’s already ahead of his peers!
Snarky as those responses seem, I would still end with the same kicker. It’s not in the tour guide script, and I really mean it. I would tell my wide-eyed parents and prospies: “The best part about NU is the people. I have met the most interesting, brilliant, hard-working, hard-playing friends here. I’d pick that over school spirit, safety and romance any day.” Then I’d tell them that walking backwards is not really that hard at all.
Medill junior Meredith Laitos can be reached at [email protected].
