After a week-long walkout, I’m finally back writing my column for The Daily. No,
Eva Longoria didn’t deliver my pizza (yet), but I couldn’t resist the urge to hit you in the face with the fist that is my opinions. I have some very important things to say, and I couldn’t let a petty labor dispute silence me.
First, shame on all of you who had harsh words for Anna Maltby. Anna and I are two of a kind. As a columnist, I write this column for myself and no one else (except the ladies). If you’re not me, you probably shouldn’t even be reading it (stop reading here, except the ladies). If you are me, don’t forget to shower, you have a big day and you need to smell nice.
Anyway, what I write is my business just like what I do is my business. If I want to take NyQuil as a suppository, I shouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone. Quick explanation: I heard the rectum absorbs things faster than the stomach. I also heard suppositories are more comfortable than they sound. I was misinformed on at least one of these counts.
My point is: I’m in a position to force my opinion on you all, and no one out there should question me. Because when you question me, I start to question myself. And when I start to question myself, I get nervous. And when I get nervous, I have trouble going pee. Do you want to be the one that gives me a urinary tract infection? I didn’t think so.
Moving on, even though oil prices continue to climb and the value of the dollar continues to fall, things could be a whole lot worse here in the U.S. We could have to deal with wild, murderous bands of monkeys. Monkeys have been ravaging New Delhi in an apparent plot to take over India. They have stolen from homes, bitten local residents and even caused the death of the deputy mayor.
Worst of all, the monkeys also appear to have political immunity because of efforts by animal and religious activists. I’m going to go ahead and suggest that we start sending soldiers to India.
After all, it is possible that these monkeys may have weapons of mass destruction. (Flinging poo? Weapons of ass destruction?)
Closer to campus, peta2 recently recognized Northwestern’s dining halls to have the most vegetarian-friendly dining halls in the country. Normally PETA is the type of thing I ignore while I eat a steak, and I don’t really care for sequels. But I was intrigued by this. My first thought was that peta2 probably didn’t taste our food before giving out this award. After a detailed investigation (reading seven lines of a Daily article), I discovered that the nominations were given out based on information gathered from the Internet. This leads me to believe that peta2 is either lazy or not nearly as good as the original. Either way, I’m going to go eat some animals.