Today is All Saints’ Day, and I can’t think of a lamer holiday for my column to run on, except maybe Lee-Jackson Day (screw you Virginia). Looking at the calendar last week, and by calendar I mean nothing, I had planned on writing a spooktacular Halloween column but it turns there are only 31 days in October (thanks a lot, Pope Gregory XIII) so I’m stuck with All Saints’ Day and a spooktacular post-Halloween column.
This wouldn’t be so bad except All Saints’ Day is practically boring-me-to-tears day. There’s no candy, no gifts, no day off and no sexy costumes. Worst of all, today is a holy day of obligation, which means I’m supposed to go to church and I don’t even get to open presents afterwards. Holiday? Maybe I would enjoy it more if all the girls wore sexy costumes to church. Everyone could dress up like a slutty version of their favorite saint. Also, maybe God will punish me for writing this column. It’s a toss up.
Speaking of sexy costumes, Muslim men in Malaysia are having difficulty praying and sleeping because women have been dressing too sexy. That’s right, men have been complaining of sleepless nights and inability to focus on prayers because an increasing number of women wear sexy clothes in public, causing the men extensive emotional damage. While the Malaysian community views this as a serious problem, the rest of the world calls this puberty.
Where am I going with all this, you might ask? What’s really important is that approximately one out of three Americans believe in UFOs and ghosts (this isn’t important either). This number apparently includes Dennis Kucinich, who claims to have seen a UFO, and Bill Richardson, who wants full disclosure of the Roswell, N.M., incident of 1947.
All this makes the Democratic space race a tough decision for voters, but who knows? Hillary Clinton was born in 1947. Maybe we’ll find out more from those secret government documents. I guess voting for Bill Richardson is the only way to finally unearth the whole truth.
Since I’m talking about scary things, the thing that scares me the most these days is Google. The price per share of Google’s stock is now more than or $700 and the net worth of the company is more than $220 billion. The upcoming announcement regarding the Google phone has me running for the hills.
Who knows what it will be able to do. I’m half-expecting them to say the phone will have crystal clear reception, mobile advertising and the ability to stop illegal immigrants from entering the country (I’m not sure how this would work, but I’m hoping it involves lasers).
Another thing I’m half-expecting Google to announce is that they accidentally created Hillary Clinton in Roswell, N.M., in 1947.
Space-filling YouTube video of the week: search coconut bangers ball and watch the first video.
Rest in peace, Robert Goulet.
Weinberg senior Alec Hayden can be reached at [email protected].
