By now you all probably have heard about the latest O.J. Simpson debacle. If you haven’t, I’m going to assume you either have no Internet, television or phone; only have one of your five senses (smell); don’t know who O.J. is; or by some unfortunate circumstance, all of the above. In case you’re in one of those categories, about two weeks ago, O.J. allegedly burst into a Las Vegas hotel room with some buddies, stole some sports memorabilia, including his Hall of Fame certificate, at gun point, and left. When I first heard about this, I thought that it was a really well-thought-out plan. O.J. must have been thinking to himself, “I’m a Hall of Fame football player, I was involved in the most high-profile court case in history and I’m constantly in the news because I do awesome things like write books about how I would have killed my ex-wife. I can go into that room and steal pictures of myself, and there’s no way they’d recognize me. Even if they did, they’d never call the cops. Plus, if I get caught I know I’m a bad-ass in the court room.”
While all this is old news, O.J.’s problems keep growing. According to AppleInsider.com, a man by the name of Jonathan Lee Riches filed a lawsuit Friday claiming that O.J. is a hired hitman working for Steve Jobs. Riches also claims O.J. paid Steve Jobs to clone Dolly the sheep, and that Jobs has nuclear missiles aimed at Lance Armstrong’s bike. A judge, however, dismissed this case immediately. If you ask me, O.J. and Jobs lucked out. I looked into some of the other lawsuits Riches filed, and they seem to have a lot of merit.
Earlier this summer, Riches filed suit against Elvis Presley entitled, “War Crimes Rock N Rollin My Brain,” according to Dreadnaught.com. The complaints in this lawsuit include “Oct 4th, 2002 – Elvis took my sideburns. Dec 5th, 2006 – Sold me tainted poultry. May 19th, 1972 – Elvis put a stick in my bicycle spoke.” Thanks to Riches, all the Elvis conspiracy theories can be laid to rest: He’s alive, stole his sideburns from the future and sells poultry.
Another court complaint, according to Justia.com, a legal blog, claims that “Larry King Live” is a voodoo witch doctor that stole Riches’s identity and used it to buy lead paint, Chips Ahoy, Planters Peanuts and Ziploc bags. “Larry King Live” then allegedly gave these items to the CIA for microwave DNA testing. Just for clarification, that’s “Larry King Live” the show, not the person.
My favorite, however, is one entitled “Fraud Against Mankind,” according to Justia.com. “Batman and Identity Robin” filed against Bud Selig, Barry Bonds and Hank Aaron’s bat. Among the complaints in this suit, according to Fox News, is that Barry Bonds once bench pressed Riches in front of his ballpark buddies, Bonds sold steroids to nuns and Bonds cracked the Liberty Bell with Aaron’s bat. Put that asterisk in the record books.
Weinberg senior Alec Hayden can be reached at [email protected].
