Imagine this scenario: You’re enduring a particularly lengthy wait on the Howard Street El platform. The sun is blaring. To your left, someone is testing cell phone rings. From your right wafts the smell of a stale breakfast sandwich.
Then, you hear it. You don’t mean to eavesdrop, but there’s no avoiding the voice.
“Damn, so Ginny Weasley and Cho Chang hooked up. I can’t wait for the seventh film!”
You look down at your own copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. You got it at midnight last night, but you’re only on page 463. It’s not your fault. You fell asleep for a couple of hours and that ruined everything. And now, as much as you’d like to, you can’t get the idea out of your head. Did J.K. Rowling really add in a lesbian sub plot?
Readers, I’m 5’1″. Running a mile winds me. I have trouble functioning without a healthy dose of coffee. But make no mistake. By strolling around town, rattling off fake endings to the final Harry Potter, I’m going to rip this nation to shreds.Welcome to a new age of fear. While others wonder about cyber revolution (thank you, “Live Free or Die Hard”) or worry that bugs may attack their iPhones, I’m here to prove that you don’t need to know HTML code to ruin someone’s day.
As most children and nerds know, the last installment of the Harry Potter series is coming out on July 21. And as soon I’ve taken off my temporary lighting bolt tattoo and authentic reproduction Gryffindor scarf, I’m taking to the streets with my own brand of terror. I’m blabbing out as many different endings as I can invent.
Imagine the possibilities:
You’re feeling kind of hip, enjoying an iced beverage at Unicorn Cafe, resting your eyes before you read on to the incredible, gripping conclusion. A couple of students walk in. They’re probably talking about how bad the sound system was at Pitchfork’s small stage. But no.
“I can’t believe he died playing in the Quidditch finals. How wild was that?”He? Who’s he? Everyone plays freaking Quidditch. Did Hermione’s foreign lover come back? Was it some new character? Or was it Harry himself, reaching a little too far for that elusive golden snitch? Sure, you’ll find out when you finish the book. But now that finish will be tainted. Tainted by my terror.
“And then he woke up and his mom had fixed him breakfast. Hogwarts, Platform 9 3/4, the Death Eaters – all a dream! Who knew?” Sure, you’ll keep reading. But now you’re anticipating the world’s lamest ending.
Or: “All of a sudden, Dobby the house elf was leading the battle for Middle-earth. Gosh, that was intense!” That validates your Tolkien conspiracy theory. But you’ve still got half a dozen chapters to go.
You might consider taking precautions. Perhaps you’ll brush up on your speed-reading skills or skip non-crucial passages to avoid learning of the ending from me, the human spoiler. Maybe you’ll wear your ear buds everywhere to shut out wayward talk. But really, the only way to prevent it is to lock yourself at home and avoid human contact.
Amber alert, baby. Consider yourself warned.
Reach Megan Brown at [email protected].
