In a landmark victory for teen pranksters nationwide, a Colorado woman was found not guilty Wednesday of illegal poop use after she left dog poop on the doorstep of U.S. Rep. Marilyn Musgrave’s office during last year’s Congressional campaign.

The official charges were criminal use of a noxious substance, but the judge ruled that the woman, Kathleen Ensz, was making a political statement, and therefore her actions were protected by free speech. After reading this in the news, I began to feel a strong urge to express myself.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a dog on campus, but if I did you would probably see a pile of poop on the doorstep of Sodexho. Although, this would probably be a bad idea because then you would see it on your dinner plate in the dining hall the next day (zing).

Next, I would send some poop to the writers of “24” to express my feelings toward their writing this past season. If the show didn’t jump the shark this season, then I don’t know what a shark is anymore, especially since a study recently confirmed that a shark in Omaha gave birth without mating. Speaking of which, am I the only one that wonders if the sharks in that tank consider the baby shark some sort of shark Jesus? While human scientists might say that animals often reproduce asexually in captivity or under stress,the sharks might consider this a gross lack of faith. Think about it.

I would also put poop on John Edwards’s doorstep because I am jealous of his new pirate treasure. I find it interesting that the company he invested in found a sunken pirate ship on the eve of the release of “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” I haven’t gotten the facts yet, but this sounds like a left-wing conspiracy to me. I also haven’t seen the movie, but if it turns out to be full of global warming mumbo jumbo and Orlando Bloom teams up with John Edwards to save Jack Sparrow, you heard it here first.

I would definitely leave poop outside the home of the Detroit Pistons, the Palace at Auburn Hills because they knocked the Bulls out of the playoffs. I would leave extra poop for Rasheed Wallace because I don’t like his bald spot, and I would also leave a sizeable dump at Ron Artest’s home with a note saying: “Much love from the Pistons fans. xoxoxo.”

If I could get to Iran, I would turd the house of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad because he’s being all scary with his nuclear program and such. Why doesn’t he just listen to the United Nations? No one in the United States of America would ignore the United Nations.

Lastly, Michael Moore would wake up to a nice big pile of dookie. This is for no reason in particular other than he is probably the most unhealthy looking person to make a movie about health care.

All in all, that is a lot of poop, but as long as I have freedom of speech I will also have freedom of feces.