By David MorrisonThe Daily Northwestern

As sports editor, I know the Northwestern community looks to me for thoughtful opinions on pertinent issues to the world of sports, both professional and collegiate.

In this charge, I feel I have let you down over the last two months.

So, I’m putting together a slapdash effort to make it up to you in this, the last column of the quarter.

n The dissolution of the XFL was the biggest crime of our generation: The XFL was assassinated by the liberal media for being too “real,” and at the height of its popularity, no less. What better way is there to solve disputes than to run full-speed at an object situated in the middle of an open field and see who reaches it first? How are we to know if the quarterback and the lead cheerleader are dating without the groundbreaking work of XFL camera operators? I at least hope the NFL was taking notes during the short run of this noble franchise.

n Let’s just drop this Barry Bonds thing already: The man said he didn’t do it. And where I come from, what a man says goes. There is absolutely no evidence he used drugs and Victor Conte was a government plant. Can we just leave this man alone to pursue the all-time home run record and battle Kevin Mench for world’s largest head circumference?

n “The White Shadow” deserves a second run: The 1970s drama starring Ken Howard as a white coach of an inner-city high school basketball team taught us to love, laugh and not be afraid to sing in the shower. I will personally put up the seed money to produce the new version, so long as it costs less than $3.50 to make a primetime show. And Vin Diesel has to play multiple roles.

n The Kiss Cam should not take “no” for an answer: The players should be held off the court until the couple on the Jumbotron locks lips. Relatives, complete strangers, same-sex, I don’t care. You were put up on the screen for a reason. DO YOUR JOB!

n American Gladiators was the best sports show ever: I demand a congressional resolution on this point.

n Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part 2)” should be played continuously throughout every sporting event: Also known as the “Hey” song, Glitter’s masterpiece is the perfect pick-me-up for any athlete, even chess players. And just think how pumped everyone would be if it was playing the whole time they were competing.

There you have it: fail-safe solutions for the most serious problems facing sports today.

Now I have to run, before my colleagues in the press find out I know the truth about the XFL.