The Express” is coming to Northwestern.
For those of you who don’t do well with nebulous leads, I’m not talking about some trendy new boutique on Sherman Avenue or a kind of next wave of fast food restaurants (though it would be a good name for a chain).
I’m talking about the movie that’s being shot at Ryan Field and around campus, the one that has you hiding your bikes and getting confused as guys in crew cuts pass you on the streets.
“The Express” is the life story of Ernie Davis, the Syracuse running back who was the first black Heisman Trophy winner. It’s got racial tensions, uplifting messages and Dennis Quaid, so you know it’s going to be good.
And most importantly, it got me wondering what other sports stories, true and otherwise, would make good movies. And since wondering often turns into talking, which, in this line of work, often turns into typing, here are some movies I’d like to see:
“Major League IV: Royal Flush” – My life has been too long without a “Major League” movie. Charlie Sheen could reprise his role as Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn. But instead of the young hothead he was in the early 1990s, Vaughn is now an aging, ailing former fireballer clinging to his last vestiges of hope for another shot at the bigs … buried deep in the Kansas City Royals’ bullpen!
The Royals, one of baseball’s proudest franchises, are being forced into mediocrity by evil millionaire Gil Meche, who hypnotized the management into paying him the GNP of a mid-sized country for the right to throw his less-than-stellar right arm out there every five days. But all this changes when Vaughn finds his elixir in a radioactive bottle of KC Masterpiece sauce, which, upon ingestion, gives him a 100-mph fastball with gyroball movement. Armed with his magic sauce, Vaughn leads the Royals to a renaissance, but can he bring them back to the World Series before Meche finds out his secret and uses it for his own evil ends?
“Barbaro: What Could Have Been” – Everyone knows Barbaro finally lost the battle with every horse disease imaginable in February and had to be put down. But what this movie presupposes is … maybe he didn’t?
Barbaro survives the attempts on his life and enters the 2008 presidential race. Uniting both ends of the political structure with his message of riding the rails and free oats for all, he wins in a landslide. Barbaro uses his new power to reform all of society’s ills and is remembered as the greatest single force for good the country has ever seen. The only malevolent act he takes is to censure a certain former Daily sports editor for his insensitivity.
“My Friend Farney” – Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ryan Freel has an imaginary friend named Farney (this I’m not making up). Farney is always ruining things for Freel: telling him to dive into the stands and take out an old lady in pursuit of a foul ball and raising eyebrows in press conferences by putting words in Freel’s mouth.
But when terrorists kidnap Ken Griffey Jr., Freel’s the only one who can stop them. And he finds he can’t do it without the help of Farney.
(Written and directed by David Morrison. Music by David Morrison and Godsmack.)
“The Black Mamba” – Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant plays a serial killer who works under the cover of night, jumping up for 3-pointers, then extending his elbows into the fleshy bodies of unsuspecting victims as he lands.
The authorities know Bryant’s committing the crimes because of his signature execution style, but can do nothing to stop his silky smooth jumper. So they coax Ruben “Kobe Stopper” Patterson out of his self-imposed retirement in the vain hope that he can live up to his self-imposed nickname. But can Kobe be stopped before he harms another Manu Ginobili?
I’d also like to see something where Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen fights things: Magglio Ordonez, Jay Mariotti, sabretooth tigers, you name it. But I think we could make that into a reality show instead.
