Earlier this week it was announced that Hillary Clinton broke the first-quarter record for fundraising by receiving $26 million.
Hillary, now that your purse is full, the first thing on your mind is probably a shopping spree at the Coach store. I know they have a lot of cute handbags and wristlets, but that money is for your campaign. Since I’m an economics major, I know pretty much everything there is to know about money, and since I’m a nice guy, the following are seven suggestions about what to do with your newly gained $26 million:
Purchase the island republic of Nauru. Why be president of America when you can own your very own Pacific island? The U.S. Department of State estimates the gross domestic product of Nauru at $25.2 million. This means you can purchase everything in the country and still have $800,000 left for shopping at the Coach store.
Buy a Bag Full of Positive Thoughts from eBay (yes, this is an actual eBay listing). The campaign trail can be frustrating, so you could probably use some positive vibes. This bag only costs $1 million and it has the letter “P” stitched to it, along with all the positive thinking you will need.
Buy a bunch of Syntox nerve gas and sell it to terrorists in an attempt to gain control of all the oil deposits in the Middle East. Once the terrorists have the nerve gas, order a bunch of people to kill Jack Bauer. Wait. No. Don’t do that one. Instead, try to assassinate the first black presidential candidate by using a mole inside CTU and kidnapping Jack Bauer’s daughter. On second thought, you’d better not try that one either.
Hook up with some interns. Bill did it, so why not? The only reason I can think of is that you don’t have any of Bill’s famous cigars. They can’t be that expensive. After all, you did just raise $26 million. Or if you want, you could wait until you are president. Then at least you can say that you earned it.
Velociraptor-proof your house. Velociraptors are smart, maybe even smart enough to open doors, and it shouldn’t be long before they can open windows too. They also have sharp talons. You’re just one raptor attack away from being forced out of the Democratic primary. Is that how you want your political career to end? Mauled by a raptor in your own kitchen?
Go to the bank and get the $26 million made into change and put it all in a 12-story vault. Then swim around in it with your duck nephews and spray coins out of your mouth. Be sure to look out for that Scottish duck, Flintheart Glomgold, and his helpers, the Beagle Boys, because they will probably try to steal your money.
Give the money to Barack Obama. This way all that money won’t be wasted. Also, in return, Barack could probably hook you up with a sweet real estate deal. I figured you could use a real estate connection since the Whitewater Development Corporation is no longer around.
